Ultra Spintastic 2 Minded Being

I really don't know what I feel any more. Its like, I veer from hope to crushing despair every few minutes. It really is tiresome.

HOPE
I got my first tattoo. Star outline behind my right ear.
I'm detoxing. Juice fasting. Or juice and soya milk fasting anyway.
I'm not dead.

DREAD
I couldn't go to school last week through depression and anxiety attacks.
A friend tried to kill themself.
I'm dreading Christmas. At my Grandma's house, at Grandad's nursing home. Being watched. Seeing everyone try to be happy in spite of it all. In spite of the obvious, screaming blackhole horror of the situation.
I'm utterly paranoid that I have no friends and I'm forgotten and rotting here in this hole.
I'm just paranoid really.
Everybody thinks that I'm just too lazy to do anything, to go out, to finish my work. When in my ideal world, I'd be doing everything, efficiently and on time. I'd be the perfect student. But to be honest, it's far too difficult to read even one page.
I'm just thick.
I'm so fucking pessimistic. I whine all the fucking time. The Dread list is about ten times bigger than the hope list. Really, girl, just SHUT UP!

Oh yeah, I forgot to add: I'm really fucking fat.

Anger

I've suddenly become an angry person. I think its PMS.

But really. I'm punching walls, smashing my head against walls, yelling at people for really odd reasons.

Everything is wrong. I only realised how irrational I was being when I had to turn some breadsticks around so they weren't pointing at me. Then I got pissed of when my brother moved them back round. They were pointing at me. BAD. BAD. BAD. Errrgh. I'm supposed to be doing German revision now. But to be honest, I can't focus enough. I think I'll go take a bath. Or something.

God I'm just so agitated. There are all sorts of rubbishes fleeing about inside my head. Family's problems. Problems. Random crap. What the hell. What the hell what the hell what the hell.
I'm pathetic. Totally pathetic. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't it work?






What the hell what the fuck what am i even on about these days? I want to cry but i can't and I really don't know what is wrong I know there is something, but what? You can't be afraid of a nothing. But really, isn't the nothing what we all fear the most? Nothing happening, nothing. Empty. Alone. Dead and gone into eternal nothingness. Just no. I've been taking my meds I have I swear. I mean I really have I've been doing everything right I ate good I exercised I did work I went out. But everything goes wrong and all my monsters are here to eat me or maybe I will eat them you never know. Fucking eating disorders you never know which way they're gonna go.
Wait I don't have an ED i don't have a problem I have to tell the psychiatrist that I'm fine because she won't help me anyway. I want to leave. I thought I had left. No it all came back. I failed as usual. I should have been born dead it would have been so much less trouble. Smash your ugly face in you crazy bitch. What the hell. Really. This is like what it is in my head. It's all background noise, I can't usually make out what's being said, but its there and and it fills up and I want to escape but you really can't escape your own head is it? They hate you. Paintings I want to go home. Oh no oh god. Meow. Hahahahahahaha. Lalalaa. It all fades into an inaudible buzz. I've not heard voices, i don't even know what my mind is trying to tell me except that I'm fat and that something dread is going to happen but isn't it always? Maybe I should get some better meds. Tranquilisers or sleeping pills or something worthwhile. Something to fix everything and make me bright and beautiful. Hahahaha as if. Dreamer.

Somethingy

I'm ill, again. You see, I got epically drunk on Saturday. And so caught a cold. And, having this cold, I smoked cigarettes. Then did a 50 minute workout. And the next morning, I was dread poorly. And losing my voice.

We had tutor review day today. Basically a progress check to see how you're doing in school. And it seems I'm really not doing so great. Which is hardly surprising, given my 52% attendance rate. I'm predicted B in Psychology and English Lit. a D in Art, and a U in German. A U?!!?!!?! That really is unecessarily harsh. Ok, so I've missed pretty much every German lesson this year, but... well, I should be able to get at least an E. I hope. Man, who am I kidding? I fucking suck. And I'm no good at art. I'll never get into art school. I can probably make it to study something crap like English, but I really have no talent. And that is one sucky realisation to have to face.

Other news... well, I realised why I was so fat, andwhy I'm ill all the time. It's the Pill. So I'm not taking it any more, and I'll see if my immune system starts immuning me from stuff again. This is my approach to medicine. I should have become a doctor.

Waste

I jusat wasted my entire night's work. I totally screwed up my painting, to the extent that I had to cut out the whole page from my sketchbook. I want to cry. I make me sick.

The dreams are getting more real. The world is going grey. And I think I'm disappearing.

Vegan

Yes. I am now vegan. Meaning much inconvenience for anyone who tries to feed me.

Now, my reasons: Animal products have been inside animals. That is icky. Unclean, impure, gross, diseased. And it is not nice for animals to be treated as food machines and kept in boxes. Animals cause pollution and use up resources, contributing to global warming, the apocalypse, etc. etc.

Really, it is irrational. Animal stuff. Ewwwwwwww. Except honey, I don't mind that. But really, just don't try and make me food. It won't work. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Fuckin' Psycho

Well, according to the internet I am. I've gone from various mild disorders, to 'moderate to severe' Bipolar I disorder. Although there is still a hope that it could be bipolar II, the less severe kind.

Don't worry, it's all bollocks. I also have moderate ADHD and anxiety, and a high probability of being an alcoholic, having OCD and having an eating disorder. Online psychiatric testing - you know its the future. All these spurious and exaggerated diagnoses must be making fortunes for the drugs companies, who have convenient ads placed next to the quizzes. Why does everything have to be driven by money? How much have I netted for Bayer pharmaceuticals in my life? They invented heroin. And I still pop their little green pills like a good child, taking NHS money for 'treatment' that has NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER. One day some taxpayers will kill me for wasting their money. Not to mention the thousands of pounds in hospital visit, blood tests, antibiotics, inhaler, jabs, doctors visits, regular therapy, malaria tablets, cream etc.

All this medical intervention, and without it I would still be here, in about the same state as I am now. No, wait. Without the existance of Parvolex I might be in a bad way, possibly dead. And there is the faint possibility that I could have contracted malaria if I had visited the tropics without taking malaria tablets. (By the way, they are the most foul tasting pills in existance. Honestly, that is no lie. They have the bitterest chemical taste ever.) But modern medicine can go screw. I think I'm just angry because it hasn't miraculously fixed me.