Unlearned

Well today was my first tutorial of the course. Optional tutorial, that is, so I didn't end up going. It was dark and I would have had to walk through the scummy bit of Derby on my own to get there. And it was nicer at the pub with my Cat to talk to. I met her Uni buddies and we got to catch up on everything and reminisce about the good old days back at the Nag's in Belper. Before that we went round Derby looking a crayons and shiny things. Giggles and fun times.
Always excuses, girl. You are an eternal loser. At least I have shiny plastic 99p bead necklaces, and a bottle of Sainsbury's Basics Red Wine. I am one classy dame.

Too much Blogged Narcissism

In the time between my writing of that title and my writing this I've lost it what the hell is wrong with me I can feel my mind swirling and dissolving oh fuck. At least there's therapy tomorrow. Yeah, that'll help as if who you trying to kid this is pointless he's addressing the wrong areas the wrong issue wrong diagnosis.
Remembered Dr Naidu at hospital said i had nothing wrong with me... except for many signs of a personality disorder well he was a bastard i don't care. I refuse to be diagnosed.
I'm confused and i don't even know what about. Can't sleep. Not drunk not high nothing but i'm staring at this screen like its the only think left that ain't moving away from me. I'm not real.

Felt self move sideways through mind. Felt mind move sideways through reality. Not good. Though slightly amusing. I can't focus my eyes. Why am I evn typing? If I see the words appear it means i must be writing them i can see my fingers on the keyboard.

I can here noises. And in that sentence is a spelling mistake so blatant that I will preserve it for future mockery. Talking on MSN... there is people there is my love. They won't get me. I'm scared though there are always noises in this house. People and pets and creaking and pipes and so on always creeping sounds.

More Scribblings from The Past

Insomniac on rooftop scrawl

Scribbles from the Past

More Scribblings

Yeah I was just doodling, listening to music. I Think I'm Paranoid by Garbage came on and those lines just latched on to my brain. I don't expect anyone to find artistic merit in these pictures, I'm just bored.

Scribblings

Today for some reason I felt like doodling. So here you go. It's a mood graph. A therapist told me to make one once. Here it is: a mathematical representation of inside my head. I suck at maths...

Realisations and Morbid Musings

Yes, it's that time of the night again, when one's thoughts turn towards death. For some reason, I am trying to predict how I'm going to die. Because I'm a fucking cheerful person, obviously.

You see, tonight I realised that I'm probably not going to kill myself before I reach twenty. All well and good, but that actually creates more anxieties and obligations than I have ever had before. For example, when I thought I was in for imminent death, then one more cigarette really made no difference. Now, I'm damaging my health in the long term. I have a long term future, and that is fucking terrifying.

As for how I'm going to die, I really am not sure. Probably accidental death, misadventure, or a narrative verdict.