Somethingy

I'm ill, again. You see, I got epically drunk on Saturday. And so caught a cold. And, having this cold, I smoked cigarettes. Then did a 50 minute workout. And the next morning, I was dread poorly. And losing my voice.

We had tutor review day today. Basically a progress check to see how you're doing in school. And it seems I'm really not doing so great. Which is hardly surprising, given my 52% attendance rate. I'm predicted B in Psychology and English Lit. a D in Art, and a U in German. A U?!!?!!?! That really is unecessarily harsh. Ok, so I've missed pretty much every German lesson this year, but... well, I should be able to get at least an E. I hope. Man, who am I kidding? I fucking suck. And I'm no good at art. I'll never get into art school. I can probably make it to study something crap like English, but I really have no talent. And that is one sucky realisation to have to face.

Other news... well, I realised why I was so fat, andwhy I'm ill all the time. It's the Pill. So I'm not taking it any more, and I'll see if my immune system starts immuning me from stuff again. This is my approach to medicine. I should have become a doctor.

Waste

I jusat wasted my entire night's work. I totally screwed up my painting, to the extent that I had to cut out the whole page from my sketchbook. I want to cry. I make me sick.

The dreams are getting more real. The world is going grey. And I think I'm disappearing.

Vegan

Yes. I am now vegan. Meaning much inconvenience for anyone who tries to feed me.

Now, my reasons: Animal products have been inside animals. That is icky. Unclean, impure, gross, diseased. And it is not nice for animals to be treated as food machines and kept in boxes. Animals cause pollution and use up resources, contributing to global warming, the apocalypse, etc. etc.

Really, it is irrational. Animal stuff. Ewwwwwwww. Except honey, I don't mind that. But really, just don't try and make me food. It won't work. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Fuckin' Psycho

Well, according to the internet I am. I've gone from various mild disorders, to 'moderate to severe' Bipolar I disorder. Although there is still a hope that it could be bipolar II, the less severe kind.

Don't worry, it's all bollocks. I also have moderate ADHD and anxiety, and a high probability of being an alcoholic, having OCD and having an eating disorder. Online psychiatric testing - you know its the future. All these spurious and exaggerated diagnoses must be making fortunes for the drugs companies, who have convenient ads placed next to the quizzes. Why does everything have to be driven by money? How much have I netted for Bayer pharmaceuticals in my life? They invented heroin. And I still pop their little green pills like a good child, taking NHS money for 'treatment' that has NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER. One day some taxpayers will kill me for wasting their money. Not to mention the thousands of pounds in hospital visit, blood tests, antibiotics, inhaler, jabs, doctors visits, regular therapy, malaria tablets, cream etc.

All this medical intervention, and without it I would still be here, in about the same state as I am now. No, wait. Without the existance of Parvolex I might be in a bad way, possibly dead. And there is the faint possibility that I could have contracted malaria if I had visited the tropics without taking malaria tablets. (By the way, they are the most foul tasting pills in existance. Honestly, that is no lie. They have the bitterest chemical taste ever.) But modern medicine can go screw. I think I'm just angry because it hasn't miraculously fixed me.

Yucky

*WARNING* This post is a depressing and annoying moan * ED trig*

I feel so gross today. 132 lbs. Just, really, what the fuck? Granted, I weighed myself after a big meal, but how much difference will that really make? I'm still too fucking fat. And yeah, I'm moaning, but what am doing about it? Nothing. In fact, I'm eating. Thats a great way to lose weight and tone up.

I don't want to go crazy here. I really can not be arsed with eating disorders any more. But I swear, if I don't do something, then I'll go insane anyway. I know the obvious solution to this is to diet. But my idea of 'on a diet' is everyone else's idea of 'a fucking deathwish' so really, let us not go there. Or... well, maybe... God no. Its not like I can do that anymore. If I don't eat right, I get sick way too easily. I've really sensitized myself to it.

Fucking Hell. This time last year I think I was 49 kilos. And I was in hospital after ODing. bviously, thin doesn't mean happy. But fat definitely equals depressed. Really, I want to get to a stable weight, around 8 st. 7lb. Thats healthy, but I don't look like a fucking whale. I'm just so disgusted at myself right now. I want to be sick just looking at myself. I want to jump off of a fucking bridge. In the interests of sanity, I have to lose weight.

Running

Yes, I bought some trainers.

I ran about 100 metres before I nearly died. I really need to practice this a bit more. And maybe give up smoking. And lose weight. And get a really high pain threshhold.

I really can't believe how unhealthy I am. I knew I was bad, but this is ridiculous. I'll be dead by the time I'm 30 if I don't fix some shit.