Hello there?

Ah, welcome back to my sad, forgotten little blog. No updates for the whole year! So, what has happened in all this time? A lot. And, this being the blog it is, most of it was bad. Grandad died at the start of the year. We were there, when he took his last breath. We've seen him deteriorate, over the year, paralysed, mute and helpless. He didn't deserve that, nobody deserves that, but especially not him. He was the most brilliant man. It was standing room only at the church for the funeral, so many people paying tribute.
Soon afterwards, I went numb. Drank, smoked, cut. Got manic got wasted got hysterical. Suicidal. A week in psych hospital. A strange place, that leeches your sanity away, an institute of paranoia and frustration. I met some lovely people there though. Especially Donna. I wonder what they are doing now. A couple of them, I have seen in the outside world, and I smile because they're free, they made it. The rest, I assume are still there. I came out of hospital wild and angry. I don't like being locked up. And the food there was baaaad.
There have been many good times as well. Awesome nights out, at the Nag's or at Jess and Alex's house (they have a house! We're all getting old!). Friends. Me and Kayl's picnic in the field. Indeed, I think my friends are the good news.
And more good news. I'm signed up for an Open University home learn course. If I work hard, then I could get an honours degree. I have to do this! I'm going to be clever again! I won't be an uneducated dropout!
Wow this is one stupidly long post. But never mind. I'm not done yet. I have half a year to fill in here, and I know I don't have much of a life, but it still takes a lot of space.
In the annoying hypochondriac's health news, I found out that I'm allergic to food. My Dad spent a lot of money on a test, where you send them some blood, and they find out which foods upset your immune system. I got the most annoying list of foods to avoid. Yeast: no bread, no beer. Egg whites: no fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, omletted, or other eggs. No cakes, biscuits, etc. Basically, any food that is good has egg white in it. They are the magic ingredient. So I'm not too strict on following the no-egg rule. I just don't eat actual eggs any more. If I can't see the egg in the food, then it's fine. So cake is fine :) Then there is random stuff, like tuna, kidney beans, and cola nuts. No more Diet Coke! Except with my Malibu. If I'm drunk, then I can't be allergic to anything. See? Alcohol solves all problems.
Except for psychosis. And memory loss. Every time I drink, my alcohol tolerance decreases. I become more of a lightweight every time. I know, this shouldn't be physically possible, but physics was never my strong point. I got so horrible that my mum phoned my therapist. I don't know why she thinks being drunk is a mental health problem. Actually, everything I do that my parents don't like, they see it as an issue for the psychiatrists. Mum actually wrote a list for them. I think I'll put it up in my next post. I think this one is long enough already.

Happy New Year

I made it!!!!!!

2007

A year of suck.

I don't want to live through another year.

Choices, choices, choices...

Money!!!

My blog has earned me 32 cents, by hosting a Google ad. If people click on the link, then I get something like 6 cents. And when I get to $100, then Google will actually give me the money. Everybody click the link! Multiple times! Hurry!

Apologies

My hands really hurt. Punching stone buildings is never a good idea. I have a couple of fag burns on my arm, but other than that, I'm ok.

I'm sorry I was a crazy drunk. I'm sorry I hurt everybody. Please forgive me.

London

It was cold. But OK. I don't think I spoke more than twice the entire time. There were pictures, not very interesting to be honest. So much of modern art is utter shite. But some, some were good and special and meant something to me. Some were awesome, in their skill and perfection and wholeness of existence.
There was a man with a hawk at St. Pancras station. It was the best thing. He has his fierce bird of prey, and sends it out to scare pigeons.
A tramp on the tube scared me. He was walking down the trains, begging for any spare change. He had gangrene, walked with a stick. Scared me so much with the misery of his existence that I'm dizzy and horrible. The whole world spins out like crazy and for some reason all the nasty gets spun into me at the centre.
London is dirty. And there are lots of people running. Everyone else had fun. Its calming to listen to others talking and laughing so effortlessly.

Headache

I have.

Detox does this. Or it might be staring at a computer screen with wonky glasses.

I'm going to London tomorrow for art. I'm dreading it. I don't know any of my art group, don't really want to know anybody to be honest.
Big cities make me want to run. To jump in, lose myself, vanish in the noise and dirt and crowds. In the city, you can be free and alone and invisible. But I can't run. Not tomorrow. I have to stay, look at art, when I'm not in a visual phase. I can't see. I can only look and scribble dumb meaningless notes and scrawl far too cautious sketches which don't resemble anything and crawl out of the paper to scream failure and inadequacy at me.
Phases. So irritating. All of my life governed by some bizarre external/uncontrolled subconscious force, deciding whether I can read or write or draw or speak or move or care. For a month I can paint, then the brush turns to worms and the paint splatters and smudges in all the wrong ways. So I start to write, to speak, to natter and ramble on and on and on. Then it all starts to dry up. So I lie in my bed and cry with dry eyes until I feel lines criss crossing my mind and its time to paint crimson. Every stage interchangeable and I never know what I need next. No wonder I have no future plans, when every few months, weeks, days, I'm a different person, shiny and new or dragged out from the depths of the past old.
There have been too many different stages, new acts, but no new scenes. This characterisation is disintegrating, do you believe in reincarnation?