One more scar will make no difference. You're already disfigured. It's been so long. You've done so well. Don't ruin it. It doesn't matter. Just once. Really? Once, and then another once, and another for luck. Fall right back down, do not pass Go, do not collect £200.
Temptation.
Willpower.
Choice.
How fucked up is this world, when every day I have to fight not to hurt?
Surely I deserve a break.
Showing posts with label cut. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cut. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Hello there?
Ah, welcome back to my sad, forgotten little blog. No updates for the whole year! So, what has happened in all this time? A lot. And, this being the blog it is, most of it was bad. Grandad died at the start of the year. We were there, when he took his last breath. We've seen him deteriorate, over the year, paralysed, mute and helpless. He didn't deserve that, nobody deserves that, but especially not him. He was the most brilliant man. It was standing room only at the church for the funeral, so many people paying tribute.
Soon afterwards, I went numb. Drank, smoked, cut. Got manic got wasted got hysterical. Suicidal. A week in psych hospital. A strange place, that leeches your sanity away, an institute of paranoia and frustration. I met some lovely people there though. Especially Donna. I wonder what they are doing now. A couple of them, I have seen in the outside world, and I smile because they're free, they made it. The rest, I assume are still there. I came out of hospital wild and angry. I don't like being locked up. And the food there was baaaad.
There have been many good times as well. Awesome nights out, at the Nag's or at Jess and Alex's house (they have a house! We're all getting old!). Friends. Me and Kayl's picnic in the field. Indeed, I think my friends are the good news.
And more good news. I'm signed up for an Open University home learn course. If I work hard, then I could get an honours degree. I have to do this! I'm going to be clever again! I won't be an uneducated dropout!
Wow this is one stupidly long post. But never mind. I'm not done yet. I have half a year to fill in here, and I know I don't have much of a life, but it still takes a lot of space.
In the annoying hypochondriac's health news, I found out that I'm allergic to food. My Dad spent a lot of money on a test, where you send them some blood, and they find out which foods upset your immune system. I got the most annoying list of foods to avoid. Yeast: no bread, no beer. Egg whites: no fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, omletted, or other eggs. No cakes, biscuits, etc. Basically, any food that is good has egg white in it. They are the magic ingredient. So I'm not too strict on following the no-egg rule. I just don't eat actual eggs any more. If I can't see the egg in the food, then it's fine. So cake is fine :) Then there is random stuff, like tuna, kidney beans, and cola nuts. No more Diet Coke! Except with my Malibu. If I'm drunk, then I can't be allergic to anything. See? Alcohol solves all problems.
Except for psychosis. And memory loss. Every time I drink, my alcohol tolerance decreases. I become more of a lightweight every time. I know, this shouldn't be physically possible, but physics was never my strong point. I got so horrible that my mum phoned my therapist. I don't know why she thinks being drunk is a mental health problem. Actually, everything I do that my parents don't like, they see it as an issue for the psychiatrists. Mum actually wrote a list for them. I think I'll put it up in my next post. I think this one is long enough already.
Soon afterwards, I went numb. Drank, smoked, cut. Got manic got wasted got hysterical. Suicidal. A week in psych hospital. A strange place, that leeches your sanity away, an institute of paranoia and frustration. I met some lovely people there though. Especially Donna. I wonder what they are doing now. A couple of them, I have seen in the outside world, and I smile because they're free, they made it. The rest, I assume are still there. I came out of hospital wild and angry. I don't like being locked up. And the food there was baaaad.
There have been many good times as well. Awesome nights out, at the Nag's or at Jess and Alex's house (they have a house! We're all getting old!). Friends. Me and Kayl's picnic in the field. Indeed, I think my friends are the good news.
And more good news. I'm signed up for an Open University home learn course. If I work hard, then I could get an honours degree. I have to do this! I'm going to be clever again! I won't be an uneducated dropout!
Wow this is one stupidly long post. But never mind. I'm not done yet. I have half a year to fill in here, and I know I don't have much of a life, but it still takes a lot of space.
In the annoying hypochondriac's health news, I found out that I'm allergic to food. My Dad spent a lot of money on a test, where you send them some blood, and they find out which foods upset your immune system. I got the most annoying list of foods to avoid. Yeast: no bread, no beer. Egg whites: no fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, omletted, or other eggs. No cakes, biscuits, etc. Basically, any food that is good has egg white in it. They are the magic ingredient. So I'm not too strict on following the no-egg rule. I just don't eat actual eggs any more. If I can't see the egg in the food, then it's fine. So cake is fine :) Then there is random stuff, like tuna, kidney beans, and cola nuts. No more Diet Coke! Except with my Malibu. If I'm drunk, then I can't be allergic to anything. See? Alcohol solves all problems.
Except for psychosis. And memory loss. Every time I drink, my alcohol tolerance decreases. I become more of a lightweight every time. I know, this shouldn't be physically possible, but physics was never my strong point. I got so horrible that my mum phoned my therapist. I don't know why she thinks being drunk is a mental health problem. Actually, everything I do that my parents don't like, they see it as an issue for the psychiatrists. Mum actually wrote a list for them. I think I'll put it up in my next post. I think this one is long enough already.
Monday, 8 October 2007
Yeah... Fail.
Fail is my new favourite word.
And I think it pretty much sums up my recent life. I'm just being an absolute, total, failure. Drinking at 11am. Cutting. Drinking at 1pm. Getting stoned. Going out getting trashed. Sleeping in my make-up. Waking up with glazed eyes and empty mind.
Boyfriend has now gone AWOL. Hasn't replied to texts for 2 days. I know he wouldn't deliberately blank me. Last I saw him he was heading to work about two hours late. Maybe his boss killed him. God, I'm the most paranoid crazy bitch on the planet. He probably just ran out of credit. Always think of the obvious reasons first, please.
School is ok though. Which is strange. I'm a bit behind through being a lazy 'ho, but never mind. I'm not failing yet, I usually turn up to lessons, and I'm not universally hated. So really, good going.
And now for the bestest thing. I got my lip pierced on Saturday! A ring on the right side of my bottom lip. My lip is still a bit swollen. I think that it was the most painful piercing that I've had so far, in that I nearly actually tensed while it was being done. No, the actual stabbing isn't what hurts. The annoying bit is later, when you have to wait for your skin to heal and accept that a piece of metal now lives in it.
My cosin Ali came round on Saturday. Actually, Friday, but I was out with Dave then so I didn't see him. So Saturday night we went down pub so Ali could see the rubbishness that is Belper on a Saturday night. Well it was all OK. Managed to get quite drunk. Ali pulled a girl called Sarah. Then that twat Joe Mills burned Ali's hand with a fag. For jokes. Yeah... that's really funny.
So Ali was pissed off, and we went home, to where my brother's movie night gathering had turned into 2 very ill kids puking up vodka. And 3 kids happy. Well, Ali decided that it was time to begin the party, so got out a couple of beers, and then proceeded to attack and molest everybody. In a comic and friendly way. Alice, my brother's girl, is really funny when she's drunk. She kept punching people by accident. Then my brother's other mate came back and passed out. Of course, we then drew on his face. But no, Ali had to go further than this, and started to feel up the dead guy's crotch. 'OMG, feel this, he's got a semi-on!' He didn't wake up. Then, Ali put a condom on the guy's cock. And he still didn't wake up. And then, Ali put pubes on his mouth. And we left the poor guy sleeping in happy innocence. The next morning was quite funny.
And I think it pretty much sums up my recent life. I'm just being an absolute, total, failure. Drinking at 11am. Cutting. Drinking at 1pm. Getting stoned. Going out getting trashed. Sleeping in my make-up. Waking up with glazed eyes and empty mind.
Boyfriend has now gone AWOL. Hasn't replied to texts for 2 days. I know he wouldn't deliberately blank me. Last I saw him he was heading to work about two hours late. Maybe his boss killed him. God, I'm the most paranoid crazy bitch on the planet. He probably just ran out of credit. Always think of the obvious reasons first, please.
School is ok though. Which is strange. I'm a bit behind through being a lazy 'ho, but never mind. I'm not failing yet, I usually turn up to lessons, and I'm not universally hated. So really, good going.
And now for the bestest thing. I got my lip pierced on Saturday! A ring on the right side of my bottom lip. My lip is still a bit swollen. I think that it was the most painful piercing that I've had so far, in that I nearly actually tensed while it was being done. No, the actual stabbing isn't what hurts. The annoying bit is later, when you have to wait for your skin to heal and accept that a piece of metal now lives in it.
My cosin Ali came round on Saturday. Actually, Friday, but I was out with Dave then so I didn't see him. So Saturday night we went down pub so Ali could see the rubbishness that is Belper on a Saturday night. Well it was all OK. Managed to get quite drunk. Ali pulled a girl called Sarah. Then that twat Joe Mills burned Ali's hand with a fag. For jokes. Yeah... that's really funny.
So Ali was pissed off, and we went home, to where my brother's movie night gathering had turned into 2 very ill kids puking up vodka. And 3 kids happy. Well, Ali decided that it was time to begin the party, so got out a couple of beers, and then proceeded to attack and molest everybody. In a comic and friendly way. Alice, my brother's girl, is really funny when she's drunk. She kept punching people by accident. Then my brother's other mate came back and passed out. Of course, we then drew on his face. But no, Ali had to go further than this, and started to feel up the dead guy's crotch. 'OMG, feel this, he's got a semi-on!' He didn't wake up. Then, Ali put a condom on the guy's cock. And he still didn't wake up. And then, Ali put pubes on his mouth. And we left the poor guy sleeping in happy innocence. The next morning was quite funny.
Tuesday, 8 May 2007
Irony blood
Yes, scars. I love em. Which is kind of fortunate, as I'm fekkin' covered.
I'm writing an article about self harm. But... I ended up cutting because I didn't know what to write. Oh the irony. Aren't I amusing?
Also... I'm getting my tongue pierced. Laura is my tongue piercing buddy, because we're going together to get it done. And I may dye my hair some stupid colour. Also, I'm going to yoga with my lovely friend.
I'm feeling randomly creative. I made some stuff out of wire for my room. I've ended up nailing wire jewellery holders to my wardrobe. It looks pretty cool actually. Even though I did that stupid stereotypical thing of hitting my fingers with the hammer.
I'm writing an article about self harm. But... I ended up cutting because I didn't know what to write. Oh the irony. Aren't I amusing?
Also... I'm getting my tongue pierced. Laura is my tongue piercing buddy, because we're going together to get it done. And I may dye my hair some stupid colour. Also, I'm going to yoga with my lovely friend.
I'm feeling randomly creative. I made some stuff out of wire for my room. I've ended up nailing wire jewellery holders to my wardrobe. It looks pretty cool actually. Even though I did that stupid stereotypical thing of hitting my fingers with the hammer.
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Sleepless
Its 1:24am. I didn't go to bed because I'm sad and angry. Dad keeps having a go at me for smoking. I purged today as well. I was doing so good. Yeah, for a day.
I suck. I just want to cut myself to pieces right now. I feel so scared. Did I just take my meds too late today? Or is this what my life is going to be like forever?
I want someone to give me a reason. What is wrong with me?
I suck. I just want to cut myself to pieces right now. I feel so scared. Did I just take my meds too late today? Or is this what my life is going to be like forever?
I want someone to give me a reason. What is wrong with me?
Tuesday, 3 April 2007
I'm Sorry
My God I'm tearing apart I didn't mean it. This always happens when I get drunk, I feel great but then inadvertently cause a major problem for somebody else. I've upset Jesus, a good friend of mine who I hugely respect. I never meant to. I just mentioned that ages (about a year) ago, I got off with her (now ex) boyfriend and Fabi in a 3 way playing spin the bottle. I really don't count spin the bottle as very meaningful. In fact, it means nothing.
If you're reading this, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm a slut, a whore, a bitch, a pisshead, a useless piece of crap. I hurt everyone else when I should be hurting myself.
I'm so selfish that I've fallen down into a horrific pit of self loathing and guilt. Today was shitty anyway, so who cares?
If you're reading this, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm a slut, a whore, a bitch, a pisshead, a useless piece of crap. I hurt everyone else when I should be hurting myself.
I'm so selfish that I've fallen down into a horrific pit of self loathing and guilt. Today was shitty anyway, so who cares?
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Face
I cut my face. This is a new low/ A new concept. I'm so fucking sad today. I want to die. My head is fucking with me. I haven't eaten. I woke up in the middle of the night in a blind panic. Everything sucks major cock. Aaah, cock. Now theres one thing I'm getting none of.
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