Crisis Dilemma and Doubt

Actually, in the physical world, there is no crisis. Everything is fine, don't worry.

In my mind, there are a million conflicting thoughts, ideas, and ambitions. This year has already been recognised as a time of 'sink or swim'. If I don't get my ass in gear by 2010, then chances are I will end up stuck in this town forever. I do like Belper, we've had some great times here, but I do not want it to be my only experience of life. I need to spread my wings, broaden my horizons, see the world, explore, experience new people and places.

However, it would be far too easy to get trapped here, turn into an ignorant local type, for whom Derby is the capital of the world and Nottingham is another country. How would this happen? Well, the persuasive action of unlimited drugs and a familiar environment. I've only just settled in to the town, got to know the dealers, local faces, etc. And seeing as most people left are those who didn't go to uni, this has narrowed my choice of companions down to workers and stoners. So I spend my days with wreckheads, with the workers joining in at eveings and weekends. I have basically unlimited and everlasting free time. (For a few more weeks at least).

The problem is that getting wrecked gets me nowhere but poorer and lazier. When it is your permanent state, then it stops being fun or interesting. However, if you stop being wrecked, then everything becomes much, much worse. Sensible and productive activity becomes very difficult, because you are always either too wrecked, hungover, coming down, or asleep.

This has somewhat spoiled my ambitions of doing really well in my course and then getting into uni. Assignments 2 and 3 are basically write-offs, as I did no work for two months. I do not regret this, as these were the two months before drugs and alcohol became dull and everyday occurences. However, I will probably regret it a lot later, when I get a really awful final grade. I still judge my worth by my grades; this has been drummed into my brain almost since birth, and sadly I have not been able to completely shake the habit.

Now my friend wants me to get a flat with her. However, she is a much greater wreckhead than I, and I predict that, in the very unlikely event of us actually being able to afford this, then it will quickly degenerate into a lovely drug den. This will be fun, but it will be expensive, and I will be even less able to work than I am now. However, I will gain some inependence (I really can't still be living at home when I'm twenty), and maybe this will actually give me the strength to organise other aspects of my life. Home is possibly too comfortable, and lets me forget that I will have to fend for myself.

However, I need to gain more willpower if this can succeed. I went out with Madma today, thinking that I would try and spend no money and smoke not even a cigarette. Instead, I spent £16 on pretty much fuck all of lasting value, and all of this due to me giving in to persuasion way too easily. I would have been able to quit smoking if it hadn't been for today. I think I will try again to quit. And I will quit buying in weed on random weekdays. It's too expensive, and I need to be saving as much money as possible for the future.

How do I get willpower? I'm just too nice to resist anyone asking me for stuff. I need strength, to realise that real friends will not resent me for not giving them free money.

I really don't know what to do with my life right now. I know that the basic answer is to carry on, finish my course, get my credits, then go to uni or get a job, but it is never that simple. There are so many details and principles to sort out as well. Too many decisions to make, and I have no idea what to do. I think I'll end up sitting at home, crying and hoping that it all goes away...

New Year's Eve

Well, I am finally conscious enough to blog about it. I can't really remember the details, and everything else is slightly hit and miss with the accuracy, but hey, this has to be recorded. So, at 4 or 5pm I went to Maddy's house, where we got all tarted up. She has a corset! Jealous, me? Anyway, our first stop was a visit to certain dodgy individuals to obtain our supplies. I got the stars, wife got the green, and after a double-drop and a spliff, we were off.

Wearing my pointy stilettos, while she changed to flat shoes, we walked up Mill Lane. This was a slightly painful test of endurance, but the destination was deifinitely worth it: Tom's house. This is where things start to get very hazy. There were crates of beer, bottles and bottles of vodka, sambuca, Martini and Sours. There were mostly boys there; actually me and Mad were the only girls. And put a bunch of wreckhead guys in a room with that much alcohol, then things will always get stupid. Thankfully I avoided the 'vodka-sambuca-Martini-apple sours shots challenge, but the mixture of said drinks plus cherry sours in a jug could not be ignored. Neither could the cans that kept getting passed to me. There was a guy there who everybody had been telling me for weeks that he fancied me. I didn't believe them until we ended up making out. By this time I was well up on the pills, and then I washed down another with apple sours.

Then we walked back down Mill Lane (luckily by this time I was too fucked to feel pain) and everyone went to the pub, while I went to Jess & Alex's awesome party. I really don't remember much, but I think I got off with all my wives and probably was way too high to do anything remotely normal. There were glowsticks and champagne, and we possibly planned out our future careers in porn. After we were finally chucked out, I remember nothing until me, Anna and Kayl, along with everyone from earlier, ended up at a random party in the house across the drive from Muz's sister's place. There were lots of drugs, and lots of people from all over Belper, and also many that I have never seen before. John Lennon and evil black Spiderman were quite unexpected guests. I remember pills, and spliffs, and a dab of pure MDMA. I then remember slapping Ozzy, and then complimenting him on his glowing UV lip piercings, which confused him slightly. I also lost my scarf, which I am disproportionately upset about, and getting my bag utterly soaked with beer and covered in mud, which strangely doesn't bother me at all. Eventually, me, Kayleigh, Joe, Barney, wife, and a variety of other people ended up crashed on a sofa in a back room, surrounded by those more hardcore/drugged up/conscious than us.

Eventually, at about 9.30am, me and Kayl got a lift home from my mum, went up to my room and crashed out. For the next 12 hours, my pupils were unaturally huge. Try sitting at the dinner table in that state, trying to look inconspicuous and sober. Well, nobody has mentioned anything yet...

All in all, a good New Years Eve. For the first time in my entire life, I managed to celebrate the occasion properly. Hard core, dudes.

Parties And Pre-Party Parties

Wake up warm and naked in a strange bed, heart pounding from last night's pills. Ask the age old question: 'Where the fuck are my clothes?'
Realise that most of last night has been forgotten. The remaining memories are fuzzy images of laughing, cool people, smoke and drink and pills. Oh, and toast. We had toast.

The day before, wake up cold on a sofa, in the same house. Next to me is a guy, fast asleep, kneeling on the floor, his face resting on the sofa. We wonder how he sleeps like that.

The preceding night, walk for miles, picking up, sorting out, rounding up the select few for the pre-party. Bottle of whisky, coke, and cans of Stella. Lots of weed. Great people to just chill with, and to cover with star and smiley-face stickers. A beautiful night.

Yeah... Fail.

Fail is my new favourite word.

And I think it pretty much sums up my recent life. I'm just being an absolute, total, failure. Drinking at 11am. Cutting. Drinking at 1pm. Getting stoned. Going out getting trashed. Sleeping in my make-up. Waking up with glazed eyes and empty mind.

Boyfriend has now gone AWOL. Hasn't replied to texts for 2 days. I know he wouldn't deliberately blank me. Last I saw him he was heading to work about two hours late. Maybe his boss killed him. God, I'm the most paranoid crazy bitch on the planet. He probably just ran out of credit. Always think of the obvious reasons first, please.

School is ok though. Which is strange. I'm a bit behind through being a lazy 'ho, but never mind. I'm not failing yet, I usually turn up to lessons, and I'm not universally hated. So really, good going.

And now for the bestest thing. I got my lip pierced on Saturday! A ring on the right side of my bottom lip. My lip is still a bit swollen. I think that it was the most painful piercing that I've had so far, in that I nearly actually tensed while it was being done. No, the actual stabbing isn't what hurts. The annoying bit is later, when you have to wait for your skin to heal and accept that a piece of metal now lives in it.

My cosin Ali came round on Saturday. Actually, Friday, but I was out with Dave then so I didn't see him. So Saturday night we went down pub so Ali could see the rubbishness that is Belper on a Saturday night. Well it was all OK. Managed to get quite drunk. Ali pulled a girl called Sarah. Then that twat Joe Mills burned Ali's hand with a fag. For jokes. Yeah... that's really funny.

So Ali was pissed off, and we went home, to where my brother's movie night gathering had turned into 2 very ill kids puking up vodka. And 3 kids happy. Well, Ali decided that it was time to begin the party, so got out a couple of beers, and then proceeded to attack and molest everybody. In a comic and friendly way. Alice, my brother's girl, is really funny when she's drunk. She kept punching people by accident. Then my brother's other mate came back and passed out. Of course, we then drew on his face. But no, Ali had to go further than this, and started to feel up the dead guy's crotch. 'OMG, feel this, he's got a semi-on!' He didn't wake up. Then, Ali put a condom on the guy's cock. And he still didn't wake up. And then, Ali put pubes on his mouth. And we left the poor guy sleeping in happy innocence. The next morning was quite funny.

Party At My House!

Yes. I was actually allowed a house party. A cocktail party, no less. Although the 'cocktail' thing was basically everybody pouring themselves vile mixtures of spirits. We all got incredibally drunk. And yeah, I know you aren't supposed to get wasted at your own party, but fuck it. I'm not missing out on that amount of free booze. My MUM bought it for me. Good, huh? My 18th birthday party, though I'm not 18 for another 4 days.
Now, my memories are a little hazy, but here are a few things worth blogging from last night. We had weed, now its lost. Teddy got really really fucked. My boyfriend Dave was there. Santi arrived having already drunk nearly a whole bottle of rum. Lara arrived and within 5 minutes was in my bed with Santi. Luckily I'd already used my bed. Sammie and Josh bought me some balloons saying 'it's a boy'. I fell down a hill onto my head, because we walked up to the park in the dark. Did I mention that I was really wasted? Haych and Euan came in Euan's mini. Lol, they are a couple, and they both have an old mini. Everyone was being really couple-y.
There was an INSANE amount of girl on girl action. Becki, Lara and EmmaDyke were at it to start with, then we had Dyke and Santi doubleteaming and '8 fingers!!!!!'. And then Becki left and somehow I ended up joining in. And everyone was watching. Until we went upstairs. Just... that has really lowered my purity test score. And I realised that I am completely oversexed. It's driving me insane. I can get myself off just by thinking about it.
The next morning, Jess was feeling rather ill, but everyone else was fine. Which is quite strange, and probably unfair. Actually, I felt brilliant. So we all had tea and toast, then went on our merry ways.
And I had to tidy up. But nothing got broken, nobody was sick, and there was very little mess. Bring on the next party!

Jess' Results Day Party

Wow that was fun. Dave met all my friends, everyone got really drunk, I smoked way too many cigarettes, and I invented a new, lethal, cocktail. Absinthe, vodka, and Ribena. Vampsinthe. And yes, it gets you drunk. Especially if it is drunk after huge amounts of alcopops.

Jess always has great parties. Love you Jess!

Me and Dave got home really late. My Mummy doesn't like me much any more. Just because I was really late twice in one week.

I'm going to have my 18th birthday party at the Fleet. Got to get planning!