Well, I stayed up till 6am last night, and as well as chatting about a ninja pirate army and writing notes on the invention of tradition, I thought about important stuff. The whole point of detoxing was to get my head together and move on in life, and maybe I will now make a start on this. I wrote pages of stuff about life, problems, and general rubbish. Re-reading it now makes me sad.
I still feel like I have done too much wrong, made too many mistakes. There is no way to fix this. I have fallen down a level, and I will never go back to being who I was. I am stuck on this level, and I will have to make it my home.
I have to realise that I will never make it anywhere. I won't be anything amazing, I won't change the world, I am nothing special. Most people are perfectly happy to live with those facts. I have to as well. No point dreaming of what will never happen. I can't live in dreams forever.
But then again, why bother living if I make no difference to this world? All I will ever get is a drudge job, and by the time I'm thirty my brain will be just as dull as every other small-town shelf stacker. Though I'll probably be dead by then anyway, so it doesn't matter.
I don't know why I'm bothering to detox any more, but now I've started, I don't want to quit. I'm trying not to add to my already epic list of failures.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Crisis Dilemma and Doubt
Actually, in the physical world, there is no crisis. Everything is fine, don't worry.
In my mind, there are a million conflicting thoughts, ideas, and ambitions. This year has already been recognised as a time of 'sink or swim'. If I don't get my ass in gear by 2010, then chances are I will end up stuck in this town forever. I do like Belper, we've had some great times here, but I do not want it to be my only experience of life. I need to spread my wings, broaden my horizons, see the world, explore, experience new people and places.
However, it would be far too easy to get trapped here, turn into an ignorant local type, for whom Derby is the capital of the world and Nottingham is another country. How would this happen? Well, the persuasive action of unlimited drugs and a familiar environment. I've only just settled in to the town, got to know the dealers, local faces, etc. And seeing as most people left are those who didn't go to uni, this has narrowed my choice of companions down to workers and stoners. So I spend my days with wreckheads, with the workers joining in at eveings and weekends. I have basically unlimited and everlasting free time. (For a few more weeks at least).
The problem is that getting wrecked gets me nowhere but poorer and lazier. When it is your permanent state, then it stops being fun or interesting. However, if you stop being wrecked, then everything becomes much, much worse. Sensible and productive activity becomes very difficult, because you are always either too wrecked, hungover, coming down, or asleep.
This has somewhat spoiled my ambitions of doing really well in my course and then getting into uni. Assignments 2 and 3 are basically write-offs, as I did no work for two months. I do not regret this, as these were the two months before drugs and alcohol became dull and everyday occurences. However, I will probably regret it a lot later, when I get a really awful final grade. I still judge my worth by my grades; this has been drummed into my brain almost since birth, and sadly I have not been able to completely shake the habit.
Now my friend wants me to get a flat with her. However, she is a much greater wreckhead than I, and I predict that, in the very unlikely event of us actually being able to afford this, then it will quickly degenerate into a lovely drug den. This will be fun, but it will be expensive, and I will be even less able to work than I am now. However, I will gain some inependence (I really can't still be living at home when I'm twenty), and maybe this will actually give me the strength to organise other aspects of my life. Home is possibly too comfortable, and lets me forget that I will have to fend for myself.
However, I need to gain more willpower if this can succeed. I went out with Madma today, thinking that I would try and spend no money and smoke not even a cigarette. Instead, I spent £16 on pretty much fuck all of lasting value, and all of this due to me giving in to persuasion way too easily. I would have been able to quit smoking if it hadn't been for today. I think I will try again to quit. And I will quit buying in weed on random weekdays. It's too expensive, and I need to be saving as much money as possible for the future.
How do I get willpower? I'm just too nice to resist anyone asking me for stuff. I need strength, to realise that real friends will not resent me for not giving them free money.
I really don't know what to do with my life right now. I know that the basic answer is to carry on, finish my course, get my credits, then go to uni or get a job, but it is never that simple. There are so many details and principles to sort out as well. Too many decisions to make, and I have no idea what to do. I think I'll end up sitting at home, crying and hoping that it all goes away...
In my mind, there are a million conflicting thoughts, ideas, and ambitions. This year has already been recognised as a time of 'sink or swim'. If I don't get my ass in gear by 2010, then chances are I will end up stuck in this town forever. I do like Belper, we've had some great times here, but I do not want it to be my only experience of life. I need to spread my wings, broaden my horizons, see the world, explore, experience new people and places.
However, it would be far too easy to get trapped here, turn into an ignorant local type, for whom Derby is the capital of the world and Nottingham is another country. How would this happen? Well, the persuasive action of unlimited drugs and a familiar environment. I've only just settled in to the town, got to know the dealers, local faces, etc. And seeing as most people left are those who didn't go to uni, this has narrowed my choice of companions down to workers and stoners. So I spend my days with wreckheads, with the workers joining in at eveings and weekends. I have basically unlimited and everlasting free time. (For a few more weeks at least).
The problem is that getting wrecked gets me nowhere but poorer and lazier. When it is your permanent state, then it stops being fun or interesting. However, if you stop being wrecked, then everything becomes much, much worse. Sensible and productive activity becomes very difficult, because you are always either too wrecked, hungover, coming down, or asleep.
This has somewhat spoiled my ambitions of doing really well in my course and then getting into uni. Assignments 2 and 3 are basically write-offs, as I did no work for two months. I do not regret this, as these were the two months before drugs and alcohol became dull and everyday occurences. However, I will probably regret it a lot later, when I get a really awful final grade. I still judge my worth by my grades; this has been drummed into my brain almost since birth, and sadly I have not been able to completely shake the habit.
Now my friend wants me to get a flat with her. However, she is a much greater wreckhead than I, and I predict that, in the very unlikely event of us actually being able to afford this, then it will quickly degenerate into a lovely drug den. This will be fun, but it will be expensive, and I will be even less able to work than I am now. However, I will gain some inependence (I really can't still be living at home when I'm twenty), and maybe this will actually give me the strength to organise other aspects of my life. Home is possibly too comfortable, and lets me forget that I will have to fend for myself.
However, I need to gain more willpower if this can succeed. I went out with Madma today, thinking that I would try and spend no money and smoke not even a cigarette. Instead, I spent £16 on pretty much fuck all of lasting value, and all of this due to me giving in to persuasion way too easily. I would have been able to quit smoking if it hadn't been for today. I think I will try again to quit. And I will quit buying in weed on random weekdays. It's too expensive, and I need to be saving as much money as possible for the future.
How do I get willpower? I'm just too nice to resist anyone asking me for stuff. I need strength, to realise that real friends will not resent me for not giving them free money.
I really don't know what to do with my life right now. I know that the basic answer is to carry on, finish my course, get my credits, then go to uni or get a job, but it is never that simple. There are so many details and principles to sort out as well. Too many decisions to make, and I have no idea what to do. I think I'll end up sitting at home, crying and hoping that it all goes away...
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
New Year's Eve
This is not the beginning of anything. This is a time to plan, to wait while the world lies dormant under frost. Plans rushed into now will go nowhere. But ideas hatched slowly may well bloom with the spring flowers. And I have plenty of ideas.
2009 will be all change. I need it to be. This is a year of sink or swim, get out or get stuck. Extra care is needed this year to nurture the fire of dreams. So easy to let it die. I must seek out good fuels and feed the fire well. Nothing ever thrived on what I feed myself now. I'm not saying that I will clean up and reform my wreckhead ways. Fuck that shit. No, I am reclaiming the balance.
Less junkfood, fags, recreational drugs, timewasting, brainwasting, walking cold streets at night with people who let their dreams die down a long time ago.
More art, writing, wholesome foods, beautiful things, long walks, psychedelics, photography, music, inspiring people, strength.
And, distinct from what I do, I should work on what I am. I realise that I have become weak, bitter, spiteful, lazy, envious, greedy, mean, angry, sullen, dishonest and generally a lowdown woman who ain't no good. I have no idea how one goes about becoming a better person, but I'm sure I'll work something out.
Big plans, here. In 2009 I also finish my course, and will probably start another unit. I will also probably do a TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) course. And maybe then I will travel abroad somewhere, either this year or the next. Oh, how wavering my commitments, Possibly, maybe, sometime in the future... Scratch that. I will do these things. I can't get into uni until I'm at least 21, as a mature student, so I have a year or two to put to good use.
And now that this has been recorded for posterity and read by other people, I will look a right twat if I don't manage to get at least some of this stuff done.
2009 will be all change. I need it to be. This is a year of sink or swim, get out or get stuck. Extra care is needed this year to nurture the fire of dreams. So easy to let it die. I must seek out good fuels and feed the fire well. Nothing ever thrived on what I feed myself now. I'm not saying that I will clean up and reform my wreckhead ways. Fuck that shit. No, I am reclaiming the balance.
Less junkfood, fags, recreational drugs, timewasting, brainwasting, walking cold streets at night with people who let their dreams die down a long time ago.
More art, writing, wholesome foods, beautiful things, long walks, psychedelics, photography, music, inspiring people, strength.
And, distinct from what I do, I should work on what I am. I realise that I have become weak, bitter, spiteful, lazy, envious, greedy, mean, angry, sullen, dishonest and generally a lowdown woman who ain't no good. I have no idea how one goes about becoming a better person, but I'm sure I'll work something out.
Big plans, here. In 2009 I also finish my course, and will probably start another unit. I will also probably do a TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) course. And maybe then I will travel abroad somewhere, either this year or the next. Oh, how wavering my commitments, Possibly, maybe, sometime in the future... Scratch that. I will do these things. I can't get into uni until I'm at least 21, as a mature student, so I have a year or two to put to good use.
And now that this has been recorded for posterity and read by other people, I will look a right twat if I don't manage to get at least some of this stuff done.
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Life Choices
So, I decided I want to be an artist. It's what I love doing. I love writing, too, but I don't think I could cut it trying to make it my career. Not that it is likely that I'll be able to make a living by painting, but it's worth a shot.
Now, though, I'm second guessing myself. How did I make this choice? Basically because art is the only career-type thing I can do without immediately turning into a nervous breakdown. So, did I really choose it, or is it simply what I am falling into, through a process of elimination? Maybe it is fate, but I'm still uncertain as to how fate could work. Something to do with quantum entanglement and the non-linear nature of time, perhaps. But anyway, I have not even started on the journey to my goal, and already I'm fearing failure.
In the words of Neo, 'What if I can't? What if I fail?'
'Then Zion will fall.'
OK, maybe it's not quite that drastic, but still. Worry worry worry. Possibility of rejection, dented ego, broken dreams, wasted life, etc.
But if I do fail, then I want to know that I tried. So I will. Just need a bit more motivation, hope and strength. I'll put them on the shopping list, then.
Now, though, I'm second guessing myself. How did I make this choice? Basically because art is the only career-type thing I can do without immediately turning into a nervous breakdown. So, did I really choose it, or is it simply what I am falling into, through a process of elimination? Maybe it is fate, but I'm still uncertain as to how fate could work. Something to do with quantum entanglement and the non-linear nature of time, perhaps. But anyway, I have not even started on the journey to my goal, and already I'm fearing failure.
In the words of Neo, 'What if I can't? What if I fail?'
'Then Zion will fall.'
OK, maybe it's not quite that drastic, but still. Worry worry worry. Possibility of rejection, dented ego, broken dreams, wasted life, etc.
But if I do fail, then I want to know that I tried. So I will. Just need a bit more motivation, hope and strength. I'll put them on the shopping list, then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)