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Well, I stayed up till 6am last night, and as well as chatting about a ninja pirate army and writing notes on the invention of tradition, I thought about important stuff. The whole point of detoxing was to get my head together and move on in life, and maybe I will now make a start on this. I wrote pages of stuff about life, problems, and general rubbish. Re-reading it now makes me sad.

I still feel like I have done too much wrong, made too many mistakes. There is no way to fix this. I have fallen down a level, and I will never go back to being who I was. I am stuck on this level, and I will have to make it my home.

I have to realise that I will never make it anywhere. I won't be anything amazing, I won't change the world, I am nothing special. Most people are perfectly happy to live with those facts. I have to as well. No point dreaming of what will never happen. I can't live in dreams forever.

But then again, why bother living if I make no difference to this world? All I will ever get is a drudge job, and by the time I'm thirty my brain will be just as dull as every other small-town shelf stacker. Though I'll probably be dead by then anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I don't know why I'm bothering to detox any more, but now I've started, I don't want to quit. I'm trying not to add to my already epic list of failures.

Crisis Dilemma and Doubt

Actually, in the physical world, there is no crisis. Everything is fine, don't worry.

In my mind, there are a million conflicting thoughts, ideas, and ambitions. This year has already been recognised as a time of 'sink or swim'. If I don't get my ass in gear by 2010, then chances are I will end up stuck in this town forever. I do like Belper, we've had some great times here, but I do not want it to be my only experience of life. I need to spread my wings, broaden my horizons, see the world, explore, experience new people and places.

However, it would be far too easy to get trapped here, turn into an ignorant local type, for whom Derby is the capital of the world and Nottingham is another country. How would this happen? Well, the persuasive action of unlimited drugs and a familiar environment. I've only just settled in to the town, got to know the dealers, local faces, etc. And seeing as most people left are those who didn't go to uni, this has narrowed my choice of companions down to workers and stoners. So I spend my days with wreckheads, with the workers joining in at eveings and weekends. I have basically unlimited and everlasting free time. (For a few more weeks at least).

The problem is that getting wrecked gets me nowhere but poorer and lazier. When it is your permanent state, then it stops being fun or interesting. However, if you stop being wrecked, then everything becomes much, much worse. Sensible and productive activity becomes very difficult, because you are always either too wrecked, hungover, coming down, or asleep.

This has somewhat spoiled my ambitions of doing really well in my course and then getting into uni. Assignments 2 and 3 are basically write-offs, as I did no work for two months. I do not regret this, as these were the two months before drugs and alcohol became dull and everyday occurences. However, I will probably regret it a lot later, when I get a really awful final grade. I still judge my worth by my grades; this has been drummed into my brain almost since birth, and sadly I have not been able to completely shake the habit.

Now my friend wants me to get a flat with her. However, she is a much greater wreckhead than I, and I predict that, in the very unlikely event of us actually being able to afford this, then it will quickly degenerate into a lovely drug den. This will be fun, but it will be expensive, and I will be even less able to work than I am now. However, I will gain some inependence (I really can't still be living at home when I'm twenty), and maybe this will actually give me the strength to organise other aspects of my life. Home is possibly too comfortable, and lets me forget that I will have to fend for myself.

However, I need to gain more willpower if this can succeed. I went out with Madma today, thinking that I would try and spend no money and smoke not even a cigarette. Instead, I spent £16 on pretty much fuck all of lasting value, and all of this due to me giving in to persuasion way too easily. I would have been able to quit smoking if it hadn't been for today. I think I will try again to quit. And I will quit buying in weed on random weekdays. It's too expensive, and I need to be saving as much money as possible for the future.

How do I get willpower? I'm just too nice to resist anyone asking me for stuff. I need strength, to realise that real friends will not resent me for not giving them free money.

I really don't know what to do with my life right now. I know that the basic answer is to carry on, finish my course, get my credits, then go to uni or get a job, but it is never that simple. There are so many details and principles to sort out as well. Too many decisions to make, and I have no idea what to do. I think I'll end up sitting at home, crying and hoping that it all goes away...

New Year's Eve

This is not the beginning of anything. This is a time to plan, to wait while the world lies dormant under frost. Plans rushed into now will go nowhere. But ideas hatched slowly may well bloom with the spring flowers. And I have plenty of ideas.
2009 will be all change. I need it to be. This is a year of sink or swim, get out or get stuck. Extra care is needed this year to nurture the fire of dreams. So easy to let it die. I must seek out good fuels and feed the fire well. Nothing ever thrived on what I feed myself now. I'm not saying that I will clean up and reform my wreckhead ways. Fuck that shit. No, I am reclaiming the balance.

Less junkfood, fags, recreational drugs, timewasting, brainwasting, walking cold streets at night with people who let their dreams die down a long time ago.

More art, writing, wholesome foods, beautiful things, long walks, psychedelics, photography, music, inspiring people, strength.

And, distinct from what I do, I should work on what I am. I realise that I have become weak, bitter, spiteful, lazy, envious, greedy, mean, angry, sullen, dishonest and generally a lowdown woman who ain't no good. I have no idea how one goes about becoming a better person, but I'm sure I'll work something out.

Big plans, here. In 2009 I also finish my course, and will probably start another unit. I will also probably do a TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) course. And maybe then I will travel abroad somewhere, either this year or the next. Oh, how wavering my commitments, Possibly, maybe, sometime in the future... Scratch that. I will do these things. I can't get into uni until I'm at least 21, as a mature student, so I have a year or two to put to good use.

And now that this has been recorded for posterity and read by other people, I will look a right twat if I don't manage to get at least some of this stuff done.

A Beautiful Experience

Tripped out on hawaiian baby woodrose last night. It was truly, life changingly amazing. I held the universe inside my mind as simultaneously my mind expanded to encompass the entire universe. My soul was free, expansive and generous, as I was connected to everything by the energy which runs through all that exists. I became a goddess, while at the same time feeling uniquely human, a small part of the whole, and gazing awestruck at the beauty of the world. Music, art, colours, everyday objects and equperiences, all made my heart soar. We watched Yellow Submarine and ate Haribo, our minds riding a thrilling psychadelic rollercoaster.
It was a primal and shamanic experience. The woodrose seeds make you feel very sick for the first two hours, but you don't mind if you throw up; it's all part of the experience, as the poison is cleansed from your body and the trip continues. This plant does have the potential to make you feel very ill indeed, but it is still worth the experience. After some hours of tripping, I felt very sleepy in a pleasant way. Like you would feel curled up in a cozy bed, even though in reality I was on a hard floor in a thin sleeping bag. It was comfortable to be though, and I fell in to a deep sleep.
I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in days, and still feeling a few after effects. Listening to music, when I closed my eyes I got interesting little movies in my brain. I seemed to be seeing the world with a greater clarity than ever before. And we may forget it sometimes, but this world really is a beautiful place. I feel much calmer, more centred than before. Inspirations, insights and ideas are flowing around my mind. I also now get the Beatles' music. I am so appreciative of everyone and everything which enabled me to have this experience. Thankyou, universe.

Some People

All these people meshed together in conversations and meetings and other entanglements. People thrown together and torn apart in a great chaotic dance. People need people. Alone we are nothing, alone we are scared and weak and hurting. When we are not alone we are still weak, still very very small. But at least we have a chance.

Alone is not just being literally without company. Alone is a state of mind. You can be alone in a crowded room, if you are not connected to where you are. So many people wander through life without connecting to the world around them. They don't notice things. They're too busy thinking about the past or the future or how they feel or what would happen if... or what they would do when... They don't notice life passing them by.

It has worked. Mindfulness. As advocated by therapists, psychics and meditation experts everywhere. I actually can do it. I'm not lost in the white-noise fog of my brain any more. You should try it. I have no advice on how exactly you can achieve this, but you should do it. My therapist will be so incredibly happy with me.

Without a purpose or direction...

No more! I have those things now. I am going to get into London College of Art. Not now, possibly not even very soon, but in the mists of the future. Everything is leading to that goal.

And today, I'm going to Sheffield to see my Kayl! Ultra happy smiling for the win all round! We're going to go out and be crazy as usual. I best get on with it and go get ready; the city awaits...

Vodka-fuelled Soul Searching

Well, I'm finishing up the left over vodka, and still feel quite happy, but falling into an introspective mood. This is a time of fruitful philosophising...

Of course, in true Pip fashion, I examine my being by asking other people their opinions of me. Describe me in approximately 3 words or phrases:

intelligent, beautiful and lost
beautiful, troubled, friendly....
kind and weird
small but awesome

Now, what do I think of me? Attention-seeking, stupid, disgusting, introspective. Damn


Anyone else, what do you think of me? Comment me...