Sleepless

Its 1:24am. I didn't go to bed because I'm sad and angry. Dad keeps having a go at me for smoking. I purged today as well. I was doing so good. Yeah, for a day.
I suck. I just want to cut myself to pieces right now. I feel so scared. Did I just take my meds too late today? Or is this what my life is going to be like forever?
I want someone to give me a reason. What is wrong with me?

Progress

I don't need to go to counselling and get weighed every week any more. Yay! I only have to go in every two weeks, because, joy of joys, I'm fat enough to be considered healthy. I don't need monitoring.
I think it's just sinking in that I've gained nearly 20lbs. Not 'healthy, recovery, get a healthy weight' type gaining, but 'binge eat and then realise that puking up doesn't help you lose weight' type gaining. Of course, I get congratulations, 'don't you look healthy now' 'you looked so sick before' blah blah blah. They don't have a clue.
Luckily, it's not all gloom and shallow self obsession. I'm eating healthier now, not puking up, and keeping track of my progress. I made a star chart, because I'm sad like that. I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.

Relapse Ahoy!

I really want to starve myself. I want to feel my skin stretched tight over my hipbones, see my ribs defined. I want my belly to go in instead of out, and I want a gaunt face and dead eyes and not to have to feel this any more.
I feel so sick. I ate so much that my stomach can't hold it. It was only dinner and dessert. I think puking up so much has really screwed up my stomach, I really should give it a rest for a while. I'm going to end up being unable to keep any food down otherwise. Though that could be good... No, that would just be messy. Imagine it, eating dinner, then standing up to leave and just throwing up spontaneously all over the table. I must stop eating, for God's sake. Then I won't puke so much, I'll loose weight, and everything will be just tickety-boo.

Mental

I’ve been out of control lately. Its getting stupid. I took sleeping pills and a load of Prozac, just to knock myself out and make it go away for a while. I don’t like this whole recovery thing, but I think I will do it. I want to grow. I don’t want to be a cripple by the time I’m thirty, stuck in a girl’s body when I should be an adult. I have to move on. It’s just so fucking hard sometimes.