Guilt

I've ruined so many things. How can I live with myself?

How do I live?

I used to be alive. Then I was too alive. Now I don't know.

I do know that I have to figure this out for myself. Nobody can mend me. I have to rebuild myself now. I just have no tools, and all the pieces are so very jagged and bent and broken.

It would be easier to throw them away, but then there will be no more, and that is even more of a waste than everything else I've done. I need to redeem myself.

I just don't know how. And I'm scared. Absolutely fucking terrified.

Detox

Yes. I'm quitting while I'm ahead. My body is starting to hate me, and I can't convince myself that I'm invincible forever. I used to be invincible...
Now I'm in pain and have the shakes. Last night is the last time I'm ever doing that. Even though it's fun (in a really twisted way), I'm not sure how much more my body or mind can take. Probably loads more, but let us not push the limits too far.

No more poison.

Progress

I don't need to go to counselling and get weighed every week any more. Yay! I only have to go in every two weeks, because, joy of joys, I'm fat enough to be considered healthy. I don't need monitoring.
I think it's just sinking in that I've gained nearly 20lbs. Not 'healthy, recovery, get a healthy weight' type gaining, but 'binge eat and then realise that puking up doesn't help you lose weight' type gaining. Of course, I get congratulations, 'don't you look healthy now' 'you looked so sick before' blah blah blah. They don't have a clue.
Luckily, it's not all gloom and shallow self obsession. I'm eating healthier now, not puking up, and keeping track of my progress. I made a star chart, because I'm sad like that. I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.

Mental

I’ve been out of control lately. Its getting stupid. I took sleeping pills and a load of Prozac, just to knock myself out and make it go away for a while. I don’t like this whole recovery thing, but I think I will do it. I want to grow. I don’t want to be a cripple by the time I’m thirty, stuck in a girl’s body when I should be an adult. I have to move on. It’s just so fucking hard sometimes.