Idiot

Yes I am.

Why else would I do this?
For some reason it doesn't register, I can't accept that anybody could ever like me. I don't even think that anyone can stand to be around me, or talk to me, let alone love me.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have such freakish insecurity? And why can my brain not accept that not everyone is out to get me?
Why, indeed, would everyone I meet be so interested in me as to set up a ridiculous vendetta to emotionally destroy me? When I spell it out like that, I look like even more of an idiot. Not to mention self-centred and crazy. No wonder everyone's out to get me...

Ha

Well giving up alcohol to save my liver really worked.

Because obviously OD'ing instead is going to help. Fucking retard. Either kill yourself properly, or get a life.

I am really really trying not to slash myself up right now.

PS. Please let my best friend not die.

Scared

Ever been somewhere you really weren't supposed to go? Where you walk around, fear in the pit of your stomach, because you know that at any point, you could be found out, denounced as a tresspasser and banished?
I feel like that. For the past two days, I've been living in constant fear of something. Not sure what though.
I want out. And that scares me even more. Am I going to throw everything away and just give up?
I don't even know what I want anymore. What to do?

I want to hurt. But I can't. I can't do that to the people I love. This sucks. Its about the two year anniversary of the first time I ended up in hospital with an OD. It was the only time I've truly felt like I was dying. And I wish I could go back there. Everything is simpler when you're on the edge.

Falling apart. Can't read, can't write, can't communicate, can't work. Food tastes funny and my body aches and I'm so tired. I really don't know what to do. I can feel everything going wrong but what can I do about it? I've tried everything. I'm running out of places to run.

Oh God Oh God Dread

Well... I think this is the last night of my epic 7 week drinking binge. For the whole time I think I've not even had 24 straight alcohol-free hours. Now my liver hurts, which is never a good thing. I think the codeine washed down with tequila was the final straw.

I never believed anyone who said that drinking was bad. Now my liver hurts, sometimes my stomach and kidneys too. I actually want to take a break from this. Dry out for a week or two, clean myself up a bit. This is a radical step for me. The original plan was to be drunk for a week. Then two weeks, and then the plan changed to 'I'll stop drinking when I run out of money, and/or my liver fails and I go yellow and/or I vomit blood and die. But I guess I'm just not hardcore enough.

Is it a bad sign when a week of no alcohol sounds like hell? I'm dreading it. Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up feeling like shit and there will be nothing I can do about it. I've not even banned weed, but nobody has any tonight, so it's basically only cigs and martyrdom from here on in. Survival is questionable.

I think I've fucked up again.

Return

So it was not the end.

3am. Smiling.

Love.

2am

This is a really sucky time of day/night. I'ts cold and silent and damp with dew. Nothing can be resolved or improved at 2am. Especially if its raining. This is the time of night when you are tired but don't want to sleep, so you end up sitting around in a useless dry-eyed state, watching crappy late night movies, or talking to fellow insomniacs and haunting the edges of cyberspace, writing useless blogs. Cigarettes taste nice at this time, and so do sandwiches. There is not usually any drinking right now... these are the sober lands separating the late night from the all-nighter, a time to reflect.

Well...

So after waking up feeling like absolute shit, and then going back to sleep, I was woken up by Grace. Luckily by this time the headache had gone and it was time for me to wake up.
Then I read my blog, and find that I wrote some semi-coherent stuff, including an impressive copy-and-paste job about my being crazy.

I don't even remember this stuff... I was utterly fucked.
And I am no longer able to straighten my arm properly. Oops.