Ow

Now this is going to be one bitch of a scar. In fact, three bitches of scars. (Struggles with agreement of plurals).

Try and explain this away then...

Schnapps

And yes... I really want to die. i think a suicidal post has been long overdue. And after the crazy strong weed and 3 quarters a bottle of cheap-ass fake Archers... well, this is fucking inevitable.

My arms are so ugly...

And I'm still friends with him. Love.. .. ... ..

No. None of tht crap. No such thing as love. See, I can deny its existance just because it doesn't work out for me. Fuck it. There's no such thing as me. Dissociation. Derealization. See, they think it's some kind of mental disorder but really its a gift.

Derealization/depresonalization is one of the scariest things anyone can suffer. It can make you feel like you're going crazy, that you're schizophrenic or that you're stuck in your dream world.

Symptoms :
- Feeling dead or like a walking zombie.
- Feeling as if you're a spectator watching a movie or just watching the world go by and that you're really not in it.
- Looking at your body from the outside
- Feeling like you're looking at the world inside a bottle and cannot escape
- Spacyness
- Feeling as if it is a dream and that you'll be waking up anytime soon.
- Watching a movie or television and thinking that you're part of the program.
- Emotional numbness
- Feels like looking through the world through a veil, or you might have extra sharp vision (due to dilated pupils).
- Amnesia. This is a medical emergency, it is a symptom of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Or it could signal brain damage or severe depersonalization.
- Dizziness, lightheadedness, sensitivity to light and sound and blurred vision.


Above are just some of the symptoms, do any of yours sound similar?

What Causes Derealization/Depresonalization

- Depression, with or without psychotic features (very common)
- PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) (very common)
- Panic disorder, symptoms during a panic attack (very common)
- Generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive (very common)
- Repeated trauma, with or without PTSD (very common)
- Street drug abuse, particularly LSD and marijuana (very common)
- Physical stress (common)
- Menses (common)
- Sleep deprivation, extreme drowsiness (common)
- Viral/bacterial infection (common)
- Racing thoughts (common)
- Neurological disease (common for over 50 but rare for those under 50 to be causing the symptoms).
- Thyroid disease (rare)
- Schizophrenia (common for schizophrenics. Does NOT mean you have schizophrenia! Dissociation is not schizophrenia.)

Well, I now know why I think I'm a ghost. Which is possibly not the most useful discovery ever made.









Well, I just wasted a stack of time writing this blog which is never read, and I don't even feel any better for it. Narcissisim is not the cure.

Drugged

Yes... I seem to be constantly under the influence of one thing or another. I'm writing this still stoned from last night, as I wait to go and pick shrooms. Yesterday was Monday. Tally: 4 tequila shots, a bottle of red wine, 7 codeine, a bong, and share in two epic spliffs. (And I mean epic. Even the hardened stoners were fucked.)
I really am going to die young. But never mind, its not like I've got anything better to do.

Pain

I've run the range, from the bottle to the razorblade, and still this pain is clawing its way through my chest. Still I can't quite breathe and the wrong word-image-association brings tears as all the broken edges rub raw again.

I haven't even written about him. But... I believed. Love.

Stupid bitch.

Too complicated. We had good times. Seven weeks. Seven weeks? Is that all?
And then he went to uni. Distance. And then... this morning. I knew it was on its way. For the past five days I've known. For the past five days I've wanted to cry. And then this morning it was finally over and finally there were tears and blood and pills and strong strong drink. I wish I was strong.

He says he loves me. Loves. Present continuous.

It feels like a long time ago when we were lying there and he said 'I love you.' I said I didn't believe in love.

Then I said I didn't know.

Then I said 'I love you.'
'I love you too.'
I meant it.

Now there's only pain. And now love is the most distant concept. As the evil in my mind says, why the fuck would anyone love me? Of course he doesn't love you. Idiot for thinking that.
They told me not to listen to negative self talk. Problem is, it's usually true.

I'm trying to cope the best I can. It only feels like I'm dying.

Mousy

My mousy died. She was a little brown mouse with a white star on her forehead and a little white patch on her back. Her name was Hester Houdini and she was the best mouse ever. She always made me smile, with her crazy adventures and escaping in my room (twice!) I'll miss her, I can't think of anything that makes me smile more than she did.

Hello there?

Ah, welcome back to my sad, forgotten little blog. No updates for the whole year! So, what has happened in all this time? A lot. And, this being the blog it is, most of it was bad. Grandad died at the start of the year. We were there, when he took his last breath. We've seen him deteriorate, over the year, paralysed, mute and helpless. He didn't deserve that, nobody deserves that, but especially not him. He was the most brilliant man. It was standing room only at the church for the funeral, so many people paying tribute.
Soon afterwards, I went numb. Drank, smoked, cut. Got manic got wasted got hysterical. Suicidal. A week in psych hospital. A strange place, that leeches your sanity away, an institute of paranoia and frustration. I met some lovely people there though. Especially Donna. I wonder what they are doing now. A couple of them, I have seen in the outside world, and I smile because they're free, they made it. The rest, I assume are still there. I came out of hospital wild and angry. I don't like being locked up. And the food there was baaaad.
There have been many good times as well. Awesome nights out, at the Nag's or at Jess and Alex's house (they have a house! We're all getting old!). Friends. Me and Kayl's picnic in the field. Indeed, I think my friends are the good news.
And more good news. I'm signed up for an Open University home learn course. If I work hard, then I could get an honours degree. I have to do this! I'm going to be clever again! I won't be an uneducated dropout!
Wow this is one stupidly long post. But never mind. I'm not done yet. I have half a year to fill in here, and I know I don't have much of a life, but it still takes a lot of space.
In the annoying hypochondriac's health news, I found out that I'm allergic to food. My Dad spent a lot of money on a test, where you send them some blood, and they find out which foods upset your immune system. I got the most annoying list of foods to avoid. Yeast: no bread, no beer. Egg whites: no fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, omletted, or other eggs. No cakes, biscuits, etc. Basically, any food that is good has egg white in it. They are the magic ingredient. So I'm not too strict on following the no-egg rule. I just don't eat actual eggs any more. If I can't see the egg in the food, then it's fine. So cake is fine :) Then there is random stuff, like tuna, kidney beans, and cola nuts. No more Diet Coke! Except with my Malibu. If I'm drunk, then I can't be allergic to anything. See? Alcohol solves all problems.
Except for psychosis. And memory loss. Every time I drink, my alcohol tolerance decreases. I become more of a lightweight every time. I know, this shouldn't be physically possible, but physics was never my strong point. I got so horrible that my mum phoned my therapist. I don't know why she thinks being drunk is a mental health problem. Actually, everything I do that my parents don't like, they see it as an issue for the psychiatrists. Mum actually wrote a list for them. I think I'll put it up in my next post. I think this one is long enough already.

Happy New Year

I made it!!!!!!