Sleepless

Its 1:24am. I didn't go to bed because I'm sad and angry. Dad keeps having a go at me for smoking. I purged today as well. I was doing so good. Yeah, for a day.
I suck. I just want to cut myself to pieces right now. I feel so scared. Did I just take my meds too late today? Or is this what my life is going to be like forever?
I want someone to give me a reason. What is wrong with me?

Its head fell off

There was a dead fly on the windowsill. My brother flicked it. And its head fell off.

Torture

I'm torturing myself. This pain is unbearable. Inside, I want to scream, I want to tear my skin off. I pace up and down, I twitch, I bang my wrists. I want to escape. So I smoke cigarettes, eat chocolate, slash my skin.
I need to be rid of this evil. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be thin, to be pretty, to be loved. If you knew what was inside my heart you would run from me and never return. Please, leave now, and save yourself.
I need to suffer. This hell just ain't hot enough for a bitch as damned as me.

Sunny

The sun is shining, I went into school, everyone is lovely, I'm smiling in a spaced out way.
Hmm. Too many cigs. Too much health food. I started real healthy eating, and it works. I was always very sceptical. As if eating carbs at lunch and 3 meals a day will make me feel better. But it has.
I'm going to Paris. I'm scared. It's going to be so much fun.
And in a minute I'm going to my friend's house. Ain't life grand?

Tiredness

I seem to be suffering from a weird, constant need to sleep. I am tired all the damn time. I woke up at 8am today, had breakfast, then went to sleep until 12.30. What is wrong with me? I'm not just being lazy here, it just seems I need about twelve hours of sleep to function.

Progress

I don't need to go to counselling and get weighed every week any more. Yay! I only have to go in every two weeks, because, joy of joys, I'm fat enough to be considered healthy. I don't need monitoring.
I think it's just sinking in that I've gained nearly 20lbs. Not 'healthy, recovery, get a healthy weight' type gaining, but 'binge eat and then realise that puking up doesn't help you lose weight' type gaining. Of course, I get congratulations, 'don't you look healthy now' 'you looked so sick before' blah blah blah. They don't have a clue.
Luckily, it's not all gloom and shallow self obsession. I'm eating healthier now, not puking up, and keeping track of my progress. I made a star chart, because I'm sad like that. I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.

Future Pessimism

I feel hollow and tired and fragile. I don't like it. I want to sleep. My mouth tastes like onions which isn't that nice either.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. The Future: one subject guaranteed to turn me into an instant shiering mess. But I have no choice. If I don't make plans, I'll only regret wasting my life. The only problem is, everything seems too damn hard. I want to do my A-levels. I tried that already. I'm too thick. I didn't even get to my first lot of AS modules without collapsing into a depressive, anorexic, mess. I want to go to uin, study philosophy and English. Or creative writing, or something cool and interesting. Without A-levels, thats not happening. And I want to travel the world, do charity work, be a writer, an artist, a creative genius. Yeah fucking right. I'm going to end up in a pathetic, boring job, living in a boring house, dull and alone, until I die. I won't be missed, I won't be remembered. In the end, we all die alone.

"Death is carried in our beating hearts

It can never outlive us

Without life, death is nothing

So in the end, our death dies with us"