Saturday 20 November 2010
Friday 19 November 2010
It's 4am and everything is true. This deadtime, just me and the words. At 4am there's no one around to tell me I'm wrong.
I am sufficient at 4am. I have no needs, just intellectual curiosities and yearnings of the soul. Thoughts are brighter. Probably because everything else is dark.
They say my sleep patterns are screwed, but I think I'm meant to be this way. I'll shiver through the coldest dark, and leave my curtains open to see the moon. I'll stand vigil to every dawn. Just let me sleep through your dreary days, your dutiful mornings and cold-comfort lunches.
I'll tap tap tap all night like beetles in the woodwork keeping you awake. When I'm obliged to keep morning appointments, I'll drift in like a ghost, out of time and fading grey under your too-bright lights.
Keep your bedtimes and sleeping pills, keep your routines and your respectable day jobs. I walk through my own time.
I am sufficient at 4am. I have no needs, just intellectual curiosities and yearnings of the soul. Thoughts are brighter. Probably because everything else is dark.
They say my sleep patterns are screwed, but I think I'm meant to be this way. I'll shiver through the coldest dark, and leave my curtains open to see the moon. I'll stand vigil to every dawn. Just let me sleep through your dreary days, your dutiful mornings and cold-comfort lunches.
I'll tap tap tap all night like beetles in the woodwork keeping you awake. When I'm obliged to keep morning appointments, I'll drift in like a ghost, out of time and fading grey under your too-bright lights.
Keep your bedtimes and sleeping pills, keep your routines and your respectable day jobs. I walk through my own time.
Saturday 6 November 2010
Mess
Everything is one.
A mess.
I am back at my parents' house. He reached his limits first. Couldn't deal with me anymore. Found even anxiety attacks infuriating, and temper tantrums, no way.
We're still together. Just, I am 200 miles away filled with bitterness. The day I realised that clinical depression had returned and was causing many of my mood problems, he said I had to leave. Like, the next day.
I already had been threatening leaving. When you get yelled at for having anxiety attacks for stupid things, that tends to happen. And well, I'm also a psycho bitch. I lose it sometimes. I can switch out. I know I'm not good.
But still. When 'I'll be with you whatever happens' becomes 'I'll be with you unless you start suffering really frequent debilitating mental distress, in which case I'll chuck you out when you're at your lowest point' then well, it's hard not to feel a little abandoned.
I love that guy, but well. Here I am. Alone. It was bonfire night, and I stayed home alone. Halloween, the same. I don't blame him for that. I blame myself, and maybe I need some time alone.
Still.
This hurts. A lot. I don't sleep. I'm still waiting to be able to register with a doctor here. So much for 'go away and get better'. Hopefully on Monday I'll get the paper I need. Then I'll 'be better' and then I'll be able to make my decisions with the impression of a clear mind.
And God help us all.
A mess.
I am back at my parents' house. He reached his limits first. Couldn't deal with me anymore. Found even anxiety attacks infuriating, and temper tantrums, no way.
We're still together. Just, I am 200 miles away filled with bitterness. The day I realised that clinical depression had returned and was causing many of my mood problems, he said I had to leave. Like, the next day.
I already had been threatening leaving. When you get yelled at for having anxiety attacks for stupid things, that tends to happen. And well, I'm also a psycho bitch. I lose it sometimes. I can switch out. I know I'm not good.
But still. When 'I'll be with you whatever happens' becomes 'I'll be with you unless you start suffering really frequent debilitating mental distress, in which case I'll chuck you out when you're at your lowest point' then well, it's hard not to feel a little abandoned.
I love that guy, but well. Here I am. Alone. It was bonfire night, and I stayed home alone. Halloween, the same. I don't blame him for that. I blame myself, and maybe I need some time alone.
Still.
This hurts. A lot. I don't sleep. I'm still waiting to be able to register with a doctor here. So much for 'go away and get better'. Hopefully on Monday I'll get the paper I need. Then I'll 'be better' and then I'll be able to make my decisions with the impression of a clear mind.
And God help us all.
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