Isn't this fun?

I have the house to myself and mulled wine (because its freezing) and brownies and nice things and Fable 2. Half my brain is missing and luckily its mostly the bad parts. Unfortunately some intelligence went with it, but I'm sure they'll come crawling back soon enough. I'm actually somewhat calm, which is the rarest and coolest of things. :)

Mehblahwhy?

I hate everyone...

I don't know why. Actually I do. I hate everyone because they don't hate me. They should hate me.

Thoughts

1. I wish I was unconscious right now.
2. That is all.

Please will my brain shut up?

We Won

Yeah, Vaults quiz night, we won. Against one other team. We got £20 between 7 of us, so not a living wage, but still. WE WON!!!

Sorry, I'm not gloating, I just haven't been on the winning team for a long time.

I like painting. I like smoking. I like eyeliner. I like dope and I like drinking, I like writing and I like reading.

I like staying up late and walking in the dark. I like missions and I like sketching in charcoal. I like listening to music and singing when no one can hear me. I like sleeping and lying in bed all day.

I like you. And I like to see myself reflected in your eyes. It's the only place I exist.

Detox

Yes. I'm quitting while I'm ahead. My body is starting to hate me, and I can't convince myself that I'm invincible forever. I used to be invincible...
Now I'm in pain and have the shakes. Last night is the last time I'm ever doing that. Even though it's fun (in a really twisted way), I'm not sure how much more my body or mind can take. Probably loads more, but let us not push the limits too far.

No more poison.

Morning After

Another waking up to feeling like death. I have the shakes, I'm severely dehydrated, and Hell, I think I've got serotonin syndrome (look it up on Wikipedia). And here's another day.

I wants my Muz.

I am a horrible person

Uninvited Kid

If I ever find you've visited here again without my permission, I'll kick your ass. Understand?

Unlearned

Well today was my first tutorial of the course. Optional tutorial, that is, so I didn't end up going. It was dark and I would have had to walk through the scummy bit of Derby on my own to get there. And it was nicer at the pub with my Cat to talk to. I met her Uni buddies and we got to catch up on everything and reminisce about the good old days back at the Nag's in Belper. Before that we went round Derby looking a crayons and shiny things. Giggles and fun times.
Always excuses, girl. You are an eternal loser. At least I have shiny plastic 99p bead necklaces, and a bottle of Sainsbury's Basics Red Wine. I am one classy dame.

Too much Blogged Narcissism

In the time between my writing of that title and my writing this I've lost it what the hell is wrong with me I can feel my mind swirling and dissolving oh fuck. At least there's therapy tomorrow. Yeah, that'll help as if who you trying to kid this is pointless he's addressing the wrong areas the wrong issue wrong diagnosis.
Remembered Dr Naidu at hospital said i had nothing wrong with me... except for many signs of a personality disorder well he was a bastard i don't care. I refuse to be diagnosed.
I'm confused and i don't even know what about. Can't sleep. Not drunk not high nothing but i'm staring at this screen like its the only think left that ain't moving away from me. I'm not real.

Felt self move sideways through mind. Felt mind move sideways through reality. Not good. Though slightly amusing. I can't focus my eyes. Why am I evn typing? If I see the words appear it means i must be writing them i can see my fingers on the keyboard.

I can here noises. And in that sentence is a spelling mistake so blatant that I will preserve it for future mockery. Talking on MSN... there is people there is my love. They won't get me. I'm scared though there are always noises in this house. People and pets and creaking and pipes and so on always creeping sounds.

More Scribblings from The Past

Insomniac on rooftop scrawl

Scribbles from the Past

More Scribblings

Yeah I was just doodling, listening to music. I Think I'm Paranoid by Garbage came on and those lines just latched on to my brain. I don't expect anyone to find artistic merit in these pictures, I'm just bored.

Scribblings

Today for some reason I felt like doodling. So here you go. It's a mood graph. A therapist told me to make one once. Here it is: a mathematical representation of inside my head. I suck at maths...

Realisations and Morbid Musings

Yes, it's that time of the night again, when one's thoughts turn towards death. For some reason, I am trying to predict how I'm going to die. Because I'm a fucking cheerful person, obviously.

You see, tonight I realised that I'm probably not going to kill myself before I reach twenty. All well and good, but that actually creates more anxieties and obligations than I have ever had before. For example, when I thought I was in for imminent death, then one more cigarette really made no difference. Now, I'm damaging my health in the long term. I have a long term future, and that is fucking terrifying.

As for how I'm going to die, I really am not sure. Probably accidental death, misadventure, or a narrative verdict.

Google Ads

Yes, my little Google ad at the top of the page is getting harsher and harsher. At first it was for DIY, but gradually it has changed. Today, it is advertising rehab. And now I added some more at the bottom of the page (Lord knows why, because they don't get me any money) and they're for alcoholism treatment and counselling. Just because almost every post here involves drinking, it does not follow that I have a problem.

Oh, and do you like the new picture? I got bored and decided to change this place a little.

Everything Is Broken

My phone is broken. Or rather, I stupidly broke my phone. Lost everything on it, so now I have to hunt down everyone I know and get their number again. At least my internet is working again. The BT dude came round today, and went to the box up the road. He just had to fix one wire, and now the webs are back in action.
News... this blog is meant to have news... Ah, the weekend was fun, went out with my love, had plenty to drink, and generally was happy. The Vaults in Derby is our new favourite bar, it is an awesomely chilled underground place with well priced and delicious drinks. Happy times.
And weird times, in a field, surrounded by mists under the full moon, smoking white widow and laughing and paranoid to fuck as people walked up out of the mist. Surreal yet beautiful. That stuff fucks with your brain something serious.

Idiot

Yes I am.

Why else would I do this?
For some reason it doesn't register, I can't accept that anybody could ever like me. I don't even think that anyone can stand to be around me, or talk to me, let alone love me.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have such freakish insecurity? And why can my brain not accept that not everyone is out to get me?
Why, indeed, would everyone I meet be so interested in me as to set up a ridiculous vendetta to emotionally destroy me? When I spell it out like that, I look like even more of an idiot. Not to mention self-centred and crazy. No wonder everyone's out to get me...

Ha

Well giving up alcohol to save my liver really worked.

Because obviously OD'ing instead is going to help. Fucking retard. Either kill yourself properly, or get a life.

I am really really trying not to slash myself up right now.

PS. Please let my best friend not die.

Scared

Ever been somewhere you really weren't supposed to go? Where you walk around, fear in the pit of your stomach, because you know that at any point, you could be found out, denounced as a tresspasser and banished?
I feel like that. For the past two days, I've been living in constant fear of something. Not sure what though.
I want out. And that scares me even more. Am I going to throw everything away and just give up?
I don't even know what I want anymore. What to do?

I want to hurt. But I can't. I can't do that to the people I love. This sucks. Its about the two year anniversary of the first time I ended up in hospital with an OD. It was the only time I've truly felt like I was dying. And I wish I could go back there. Everything is simpler when you're on the edge.

Falling apart. Can't read, can't write, can't communicate, can't work. Food tastes funny and my body aches and I'm so tired. I really don't know what to do. I can feel everything going wrong but what can I do about it? I've tried everything. I'm running out of places to run.

Oh God Oh God Dread

Well... I think this is the last night of my epic 7 week drinking binge. For the whole time I think I've not even had 24 straight alcohol-free hours. Now my liver hurts, which is never a good thing. I think the codeine washed down with tequila was the final straw.

I never believed anyone who said that drinking was bad. Now my liver hurts, sometimes my stomach and kidneys too. I actually want to take a break from this. Dry out for a week or two, clean myself up a bit. This is a radical step for me. The original plan was to be drunk for a week. Then two weeks, and then the plan changed to 'I'll stop drinking when I run out of money, and/or my liver fails and I go yellow and/or I vomit blood and die. But I guess I'm just not hardcore enough.

Is it a bad sign when a week of no alcohol sounds like hell? I'm dreading it. Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up feeling like shit and there will be nothing I can do about it. I've not even banned weed, but nobody has any tonight, so it's basically only cigs and martyrdom from here on in. Survival is questionable.

I think I've fucked up again.

Return

So it was not the end.

3am. Smiling.

Love.

2am

This is a really sucky time of day/night. I'ts cold and silent and damp with dew. Nothing can be resolved or improved at 2am. Especially if its raining. This is the time of night when you are tired but don't want to sleep, so you end up sitting around in a useless dry-eyed state, watching crappy late night movies, or talking to fellow insomniacs and haunting the edges of cyberspace, writing useless blogs. Cigarettes taste nice at this time, and so do sandwiches. There is not usually any drinking right now... these are the sober lands separating the late night from the all-nighter, a time to reflect.

Well...

So after waking up feeling like absolute shit, and then going back to sleep, I was woken up by Grace. Luckily by this time the headache had gone and it was time for me to wake up.
Then I read my blog, and find that I wrote some semi-coherent stuff, including an impressive copy-and-paste job about my being crazy.

I don't even remember this stuff... I was utterly fucked.
And I am no longer able to straighten my arm properly. Oops.

Ow

Now this is going to be one bitch of a scar. In fact, three bitches of scars. (Struggles with agreement of plurals).

Try and explain this away then...

Schnapps

And yes... I really want to die. i think a suicidal post has been long overdue. And after the crazy strong weed and 3 quarters a bottle of cheap-ass fake Archers... well, this is fucking inevitable.

My arms are so ugly...

And I'm still friends with him. Love.. .. ... ..

No. None of tht crap. No such thing as love. See, I can deny its existance just because it doesn't work out for me. Fuck it. There's no such thing as me. Dissociation. Derealization. See, they think it's some kind of mental disorder but really its a gift.

Derealization/depresonalization is one of the scariest things anyone can suffer. It can make you feel like you're going crazy, that you're schizophrenic or that you're stuck in your dream world.

Symptoms :
- Feeling dead or like a walking zombie.
- Feeling as if you're a spectator watching a movie or just watching the world go by and that you're really not in it.
- Looking at your body from the outside
- Feeling like you're looking at the world inside a bottle and cannot escape
- Spacyness
- Feeling as if it is a dream and that you'll be waking up anytime soon.
- Watching a movie or television and thinking that you're part of the program.
- Emotional numbness
- Feels like looking through the world through a veil, or you might have extra sharp vision (due to dilated pupils).
- Amnesia. This is a medical emergency, it is a symptom of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Or it could signal brain damage or severe depersonalization.
- Dizziness, lightheadedness, sensitivity to light and sound and blurred vision.


Above are just some of the symptoms, do any of yours sound similar?

What Causes Derealization/Depresonalization

- Depression, with or without psychotic features (very common)
- PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) (very common)
- Panic disorder, symptoms during a panic attack (very common)
- Generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive (very common)
- Repeated trauma, with or without PTSD (very common)
- Street drug abuse, particularly LSD and marijuana (very common)
- Physical stress (common)
- Menses (common)
- Sleep deprivation, extreme drowsiness (common)
- Viral/bacterial infection (common)
- Racing thoughts (common)
- Neurological disease (common for over 50 but rare for those under 50 to be causing the symptoms).
- Thyroid disease (rare)
- Schizophrenia (common for schizophrenics. Does NOT mean you have schizophrenia! Dissociation is not schizophrenia.)

Well, I now know why I think I'm a ghost. Which is possibly not the most useful discovery ever made.









Well, I just wasted a stack of time writing this blog which is never read, and I don't even feel any better for it. Narcissisim is not the cure.