*WARNING* This post is a depressing and annoying moan * ED trig*
I feel so gross today. 132 lbs. Just, really, what the fuck? Granted, I weighed myself after a big meal, but how much difference will that really make? I'm still too fucking fat. And yeah, I'm moaning, but what am doing about it? Nothing. In fact, I'm eating. Thats a great way to lose weight and tone up.
I don't want to go crazy here. I really can not be arsed with eating disorders any more. But I swear, if I don't do something, then I'll go insane anyway. I know the obvious solution to this is to diet. But my idea of 'on a diet' is everyone else's idea of 'a fucking deathwish' so really, let us not go there. Or... well, maybe... God no. Its not like I can do that anymore. If I don't eat right, I get sick way too easily. I've really sensitized myself to it.
Fucking Hell. This time last year I think I was 49 kilos. And I was in hospital after ODing. bviously, thin doesn't mean happy. But fat definitely equals depressed. Really, I want to get to a stable weight, around 8 st. 7lb. Thats healthy, but I don't look like a fucking whale. I'm just so disgusted at myself right now. I want to be sick just looking at myself. I want to jump off of a fucking bridge. In the interests of sanity, I have to lose weight.
Wednesday 24 October 2007
Tuesday 23 October 2007
Running
Yes, I bought some trainers.
I ran about 100 metres before I nearly died. I really need to practice this a bit more. And maybe give up smoking. And lose weight. And get a really high pain threshhold.
I really can't believe how unhealthy I am. I knew I was bad, but this is ridiculous. I'll be dead by the time I'm 30 if I don't fix some shit.
I ran about 100 metres before I nearly died. I really need to practice this a bit more. And maybe give up smoking. And lose weight. And get a really high pain threshhold.
I really can't believe how unhealthy I am. I knew I was bad, but this is ridiculous. I'll be dead by the time I'm 30 if I don't fix some shit.
Monday 22 October 2007
A week off
Yes, it is half term. So I have a week in which to do pretty mkuch what I like. Which probably means sleeping.
Update on last post: Dave had run out of credit and was really busy. Saw him on Saturday. Got drunk. As usual. It is a while since I saw my boyfriend while completely sober. Actually, its a while since I went out at all and remained sober. Nothing is fun unless I drink. By the way, Apple Sours are really amazing.
Now, what else? Well, my lip piercing is a bit manky. Its yellow. Which is really not that nice. It has two weeks untill its supposed to be healed though, and it is getting better.
And now, the most improbable plan I have ever made: I want to start running. At the moment I do no exercise whatsoever. And I feel like hibernating. So maybe if I run about, then it'll wake me up. And I'll get more healthy, and not be ill all the time, and everything will be great. I just need some trainers. See, thats how lazy I am now - I don't even own a single pair of trainers.
Update on last post: Dave had run out of credit and was really busy. Saw him on Saturday. Got drunk. As usual. It is a while since I saw my boyfriend while completely sober. Actually, its a while since I went out at all and remained sober. Nothing is fun unless I drink. By the way, Apple Sours are really amazing.
Now, what else? Well, my lip piercing is a bit manky. Its yellow. Which is really not that nice. It has two weeks untill its supposed to be healed though, and it is getting better.
And now, the most improbable plan I have ever made: I want to start running. At the moment I do no exercise whatsoever. And I feel like hibernating. So maybe if I run about, then it'll wake me up. And I'll get more healthy, and not be ill all the time, and everything will be great. I just need some trainers. See, thats how lazy I am now - I don't even own a single pair of trainers.
Monday 8 October 2007
Yeah... Fail.
Fail is my new favourite word.
And I think it pretty much sums up my recent life. I'm just being an absolute, total, failure. Drinking at 11am. Cutting. Drinking at 1pm. Getting stoned. Going out getting trashed. Sleeping in my make-up. Waking up with glazed eyes and empty mind.
Boyfriend has now gone AWOL. Hasn't replied to texts for 2 days. I know he wouldn't deliberately blank me. Last I saw him he was heading to work about two hours late. Maybe his boss killed him. God, I'm the most paranoid crazy bitch on the planet. He probably just ran out of credit. Always think of the obvious reasons first, please.
School is ok though. Which is strange. I'm a bit behind through being a lazy 'ho, but never mind. I'm not failing yet, I usually turn up to lessons, and I'm not universally hated. So really, good going.
And now for the bestest thing. I got my lip pierced on Saturday! A ring on the right side of my bottom lip. My lip is still a bit swollen. I think that it was the most painful piercing that I've had so far, in that I nearly actually tensed while it was being done. No, the actual stabbing isn't what hurts. The annoying bit is later, when you have to wait for your skin to heal and accept that a piece of metal now lives in it.
My cosin Ali came round on Saturday. Actually, Friday, but I was out with Dave then so I didn't see him. So Saturday night we went down pub so Ali could see the rubbishness that is Belper on a Saturday night. Well it was all OK. Managed to get quite drunk. Ali pulled a girl called Sarah. Then that twat Joe Mills burned Ali's hand with a fag. For jokes. Yeah... that's really funny.
So Ali was pissed off, and we went home, to where my brother's movie night gathering had turned into 2 very ill kids puking up vodka. And 3 kids happy. Well, Ali decided that it was time to begin the party, so got out a couple of beers, and then proceeded to attack and molest everybody. In a comic and friendly way. Alice, my brother's girl, is really funny when she's drunk. She kept punching people by accident. Then my brother's other mate came back and passed out. Of course, we then drew on his face. But no, Ali had to go further than this, and started to feel up the dead guy's crotch. 'OMG, feel this, he's got a semi-on!' He didn't wake up. Then, Ali put a condom on the guy's cock. And he still didn't wake up. And then, Ali put pubes on his mouth. And we left the poor guy sleeping in happy innocence. The next morning was quite funny.
And I think it pretty much sums up my recent life. I'm just being an absolute, total, failure. Drinking at 11am. Cutting. Drinking at 1pm. Getting stoned. Going out getting trashed. Sleeping in my make-up. Waking up with glazed eyes and empty mind.
Boyfriend has now gone AWOL. Hasn't replied to texts for 2 days. I know he wouldn't deliberately blank me. Last I saw him he was heading to work about two hours late. Maybe his boss killed him. God, I'm the most paranoid crazy bitch on the planet. He probably just ran out of credit. Always think of the obvious reasons first, please.
School is ok though. Which is strange. I'm a bit behind through being a lazy 'ho, but never mind. I'm not failing yet, I usually turn up to lessons, and I'm not universally hated. So really, good going.
And now for the bestest thing. I got my lip pierced on Saturday! A ring on the right side of my bottom lip. My lip is still a bit swollen. I think that it was the most painful piercing that I've had so far, in that I nearly actually tensed while it was being done. No, the actual stabbing isn't what hurts. The annoying bit is later, when you have to wait for your skin to heal and accept that a piece of metal now lives in it.
My cosin Ali came round on Saturday. Actually, Friday, but I was out with Dave then so I didn't see him. So Saturday night we went down pub so Ali could see the rubbishness that is Belper on a Saturday night. Well it was all OK. Managed to get quite drunk. Ali pulled a girl called Sarah. Then that twat Joe Mills burned Ali's hand with a fag. For jokes. Yeah... that's really funny.
So Ali was pissed off, and we went home, to where my brother's movie night gathering had turned into 2 very ill kids puking up vodka. And 3 kids happy. Well, Ali decided that it was time to begin the party, so got out a couple of beers, and then proceeded to attack and molest everybody. In a comic and friendly way. Alice, my brother's girl, is really funny when she's drunk. She kept punching people by accident. Then my brother's other mate came back and passed out. Of course, we then drew on his face. But no, Ali had to go further than this, and started to feel up the dead guy's crotch. 'OMG, feel this, he's got a semi-on!' He didn't wake up. Then, Ali put a condom on the guy's cock. And he still didn't wake up. And then, Ali put pubes on his mouth. And we left the poor guy sleeping in happy innocence. The next morning was quite funny.
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