Sleepless

Its 1:24am. I didn't go to bed because I'm sad and angry. Dad keeps having a go at me for smoking. I purged today as well. I was doing so good. Yeah, for a day.
I suck. I just want to cut myself to pieces right now. I feel so scared. Did I just take my meds too late today? Or is this what my life is going to be like forever?
I want someone to give me a reason. What is wrong with me?

Its head fell off

There was a dead fly on the windowsill. My brother flicked it. And its head fell off.

Torture

I'm torturing myself. This pain is unbearable. Inside, I want to scream, I want to tear my skin off. I pace up and down, I twitch, I bang my wrists. I want to escape. So I smoke cigarettes, eat chocolate, slash my skin.
I need to be rid of this evil. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be thin, to be pretty, to be loved. If you knew what was inside my heart you would run from me and never return. Please, leave now, and save yourself.
I need to suffer. This hell just ain't hot enough for a bitch as damned as me.

Sunny

The sun is shining, I went into school, everyone is lovely, I'm smiling in a spaced out way.
Hmm. Too many cigs. Too much health food. I started real healthy eating, and it works. I was always very sceptical. As if eating carbs at lunch and 3 meals a day will make me feel better. But it has.
I'm going to Paris. I'm scared. It's going to be so much fun.
And in a minute I'm going to my friend's house. Ain't life grand?

Tiredness

I seem to be suffering from a weird, constant need to sleep. I am tired all the damn time. I woke up at 8am today, had breakfast, then went to sleep until 12.30. What is wrong with me? I'm not just being lazy here, it just seems I need about twelve hours of sleep to function.

Progress

I don't need to go to counselling and get weighed every week any more. Yay! I only have to go in every two weeks, because, joy of joys, I'm fat enough to be considered healthy. I don't need monitoring.
I think it's just sinking in that I've gained nearly 20lbs. Not 'healthy, recovery, get a healthy weight' type gaining, but 'binge eat and then realise that puking up doesn't help you lose weight' type gaining. Of course, I get congratulations, 'don't you look healthy now' 'you looked so sick before' blah blah blah. They don't have a clue.
Luckily, it's not all gloom and shallow self obsession. I'm eating healthier now, not puking up, and keeping track of my progress. I made a star chart, because I'm sad like that. I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.

Future Pessimism

I feel hollow and tired and fragile. I don't like it. I want to sleep. My mouth tastes like onions which isn't that nice either.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. The Future: one subject guaranteed to turn me into an instant shiering mess. But I have no choice. If I don't make plans, I'll only regret wasting my life. The only problem is, everything seems too damn hard. I want to do my A-levels. I tried that already. I'm too thick. I didn't even get to my first lot of AS modules without collapsing into a depressive, anorexic, mess. I want to go to uin, study philosophy and English. Or creative writing, or something cool and interesting. Without A-levels, thats not happening. And I want to travel the world, do charity work, be a writer, an artist, a creative genius. Yeah fucking right. I'm going to end up in a pathetic, boring job, living in a boring house, dull and alone, until I die. I won't be missed, I won't be remembered. In the end, we all die alone.

"Death is carried in our beating hearts

It can never outlive us

Without life, death is nothing

So in the end, our death dies with us"

Films

I slept at Lara's last night, we watched the film Ghost Ship. It was pretty good. It built up a nice spooky atmosphere. The ending was not the best. I love films with a friendly ghost in though. It adds balance and gives more depth and reality to the idea of ghosts. Because it really doesn't make sense that a perfectly nice person can die, and then their spirit suddenly becomes evil and tries to kill the innocent. The ghosts of children becoming evil is particularly bad. I don't believe a child can be evil. But more on the nature of evil another blogtime.

I've watched a lot of films lately, so I think I'll comment on them all.
The Exorcist (directors cut) - Quite shocking, but also quite funny in a totally wrong way. An unsettling film, but not as terrifying as its reputation suggests.

Girl, Interrupted - A film I can relate to, as I have had errr... mental health issues. The characters are completely real, brilliant acting, maybe because it is based on a true story it has a lot of reality in it. I nearly cried, but partly from the hope that this film gave me.

Thirteen - This film is totally gripping, your eyes are glued to the screen in unhealthy fascination. I can't believe that the characters are only thirteen though, and sometimes their motivation really is not clear. The ending left me almost in tears, it leaves you in emotional shock.

Grandad

We went to my Grandma’s for Easter. My Grandad has been moved from hospital to a nursing home. He's paralysed, can't speak much and we don't even know if he still has his mind intact. The home is a lot better than the hospital, it's run by BUPA and it has gardens with fountains, and budgies, and a parakeet called Hector who likes to eat my fingernails. Not sure if Grandad is ok. I was so shocked to see how frail he is, the muscles in his legs wasted away. I know he can't be happy. He still enjoyed his Easter egg though! But God, I hope I die quickly before I get old.

Cake

Lara and Marie slept at mine. We had a cake eating contest. I won!
We drank some wine and sat on the roof and took photos and looked at the stars. I love my friends so much. They just can’t eat cake very well.

Pink Bunnies

Me, Raven, Xander, Lara, Jesus, and Eddy went to Alton Towers theme park today. It was so fun I think I'm going to explode in little bubbles of fun-ness. We went on all the big rides: Oblivion, Rita, Nemesis, Air. And Spinball Wizards, the Bath Flume (which is a log flume but with a scary Satanic giant duck in it), and the rapids, where we got an awesome group photo. Rides + poppers = lol. Though possibly not common sense.
Another great thing: because it was Easter time, we got free chocolate! We also were herded by a giant egg to watch a show. Pink acrobatic bunnies. It was great, because you could tell that under the bunny suits were proud and masculine acrobats. They also gave us chocolate. And we bought chocolate fondue, which is like heaven, but tastier. Eddy bought a shot of melted chocolate.

The Cyberman
At City Station, waiting on the opposite platform, was a scary Cyberman. He was bald, and had a head/earpiece, and possessed killer Eye Beams. Really, we were so convinced that this was true. We were watching him from the train. He glared at us. I guess we're lucky to be alive.

I'm Sorry

My God I'm tearing apart I didn't mean it. This always happens when I get drunk, I feel great but then inadvertently cause a major problem for somebody else. I've upset Jesus, a good friend of mine who I hugely respect. I never meant to. I just mentioned that ages (about a year) ago, I got off with her (now ex) boyfriend and Fabi in a 3 way playing spin the bottle. I really don't count spin the bottle as very meaningful. In fact, it means nothing.
If you're reading this, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm a slut, a whore, a bitch, a pisshead, a useless piece of crap. I hurt everyone else when I should be hurting myself.

I'm so selfish that I've fallen down into a horrific pit of self loathing and guilt. Today was shitty anyway, so who cares?

Gun City

I went into the big city today. Everything was strange. I went alone, wearing a very short black skirt and stillettos and a grunge jacket, looking like some kind of tramp-whore. I love my boots. Every time I wear them, random weirdos say 'nice boots'. This time, I had complements on my look from a fat middle aged guy (yes, I was weirded out), a black guy, and a random woman.
A surreal moment... walking down a main street, eating an ice cream, dressed like a tramp, with my bag full of drugs. (I spent my easter egg money on legal drugs. The Egyptian gives me a discount on Salvia. He thinks he's saving me from a life of junkieness.)
I did get Easter eggs. I just skinted myself. Dad picked me up from Derby, we got stuck in traffic, and somehow lost in Hazelwood when he tried to turn around in Duffield. Yes, only my dad could manage that. We got fish and chips. Every time I eat it, I regret it and feel ill. The portions are huge, it's greasy and stodgy and yuck. Anyway I threw up. Which sucks, but I was in so much pain. My stomach is so fucked.

Waking in the Forest

We kind of slept, shivered, and woke up at random points through the night. I felt squished in the tent, and my sleeping bag was very constricting. I hate not being able to move my arms. We awoke later that morning to the sound of a woodpecker, the dawn chorus, and the realisation that it was way too early to be awake. Luckily, I had no hangover. Fabian, being clever, drank a can of Red Bull and then decided to go back to sleep. Or at least, he tried. We judged it a failure, and worked up the energy to get out of the tent into a cold morning. Fabian and Eddy restarted the fire from last night's embers. There was a Grolsch can which had appeared overnight in our empty can pile, and an exploded deoderant can. Nobody had any Grolsch. We concluded that the Blair Witch had come by in the night, blown up the can, and had some Grolsh just to chill out.
Breakfast was scotch pancakes. So good. Why don't I eat them more often? And we had some marshmallows, digestive biscuits, Haribo, stream water and cider. Good eating, huh. Next time, we agreed we would need more water and some tea. I spent a long time by the fire being too cold. They did good with the fire, constructing a saucepan holder from sticks to boil water.
The owner of the woods came down. The Lord of the Forest himself. All old and outdoorsy looking, he asked us whether we had permission to camp in the woods. Errr. He didn't seem annoyed. Must have been impressed by the quality fire, or intimidated by the huge knife Fabi was holding at that time.
We left the campsite clean, and walked down to the road, via the lake where everyone but me paddled. It was too damn cold for that! Dad gave us all a lift home. A good time had been had by all.

Camping in the Forest

Wow. Last night was ultra funny. Me, my brother, Fabian, Eddy, Shane and Jesus went camping in the woods. We met in town, and at first everything seemed like total shit. No one would buy us alcohol, and a certain little **** ripped us off (taking forty quid of my bro's money) so we had no weed. Luckily, once we got on the bus, everything got better. A little off licence in the village near where we were camping served me and Fabian, so we got a crate of beer, 3 bottles of wine, and a bottle of cider. I already had a bottle of Lambrini, and Fabian had something a lot funnier - poppers!
We walked for miles up a huge hill to get to the camping area. It was worth it though. It is in the most beautiful place, with flat ground and a massive fire pit area. We got out the amazing pop-up tent. I tell you, it is the best invention. You take it out of the bag, undo some elastic, and BOING! You have a tent, and you just have to peg it down. Fabian and Eddy made a great fire for us. We all helped, but they have the skills. In fact, everyone has great skills. Shane started whittling a wooden stake as soon as we got there. She wanted to be safe against vampires. Marshmallows were toasted, quorn sausages were grilled, and I made some Alphabetti Spaghetti, because I rock.
Then the drinking began. The guys hate Lambrini, so the girls - Shane, Jesus and Moi - had the bottle to ourselves. I think I had the most, Shane close behind, and Jesus didn't drink much. Everyone else had Carling too, but I can't be arsed with beer. It has too big a volume, I can only drink one can and then I'm full up, but not drunk. Eddy didn't drink, because there was nothing he liked. Apparently he's a whisky man. For a while he looked sad and lonely, but soon we were all happy. Jesus was not really affected by alcohol, she says she's immune to it, but she didn't drink a ridiculous amount. I feel sorry for anyone who is immune to the magical powers of booze. We also had poppers. I'd never had it before, so I was very curious. You just sniff, and then your head goes schwoosch and your eyes go funny, and you feel warm and everything is hilarious for a minute. It's legal too.
We played spin the bottle, I think we all got off with each other except for me and my bro, because that would be sick and wrong and gross. It got quite mad. Me and Shane drank beer off Fabian, I got off with Eddy way too much, and I *think* that I licked Fabian. Only a little lick, mind, nothing bad. My memory gets a little disjointed. I spent some time puking up, lying in brambles, and lying on the ground because Brother floored me, the little tit. Actually, he's taller than me now. It is a traumatic turning point when your younger sibling finally becomes taller than you.
Oh, my God, one thing I remember: I cut Fabian! We all had knives, and were daring each other to cut the other person. I, being 1. Drunk and 2. A bit kinky, had no problem with it. But the others were a bit freaked out. And I really don't know how many times I got called an emo because of the cutting and my scars. Eddy said I was fit though, and I think Fabian did too, which made me feel awesome. See, I'm easily pleased.
Eventually five of us all ended up in a three person tent, freezing our asses off. Jesus went home as she didn't feel good or happy. Me and Fabian could not sleep. Shane and my brother slept a lot, and Eddy tired to be hard and do without a sleeping bag. It was one of those nights where you are never sure if you are going to wake or sleep the next moment. Fabian felt me shivering so hugged up to me to keep warm (I'll pretend I didn't enjoy it).
In the middle of the night there was a gunshot bang. Maybe, I suggested, it could be someone with a gun. Coming to shoot us. I like reassuring people. And a lot of our conversations had turned to the Blair Witch. Eventually Fabian threatened to knife us if we carried on being scary.