Mess

Everything is one.
A mess.

I am back at my parents' house. He reached his limits first. Couldn't deal with me anymore. Found even anxiety attacks infuriating, and temper tantrums, no way.
We're still together. Just, I am 200 miles away filled with bitterness. The day I realised that clinical depression had returned and was causing many of my mood problems, he said I had to leave. Like, the next day.
I already had been threatening leaving. When you get yelled at for having anxiety attacks for stupid things, that tends to happen. And well, I'm also a psycho bitch. I lose it sometimes. I can switch out. I know I'm not good.
But still. When 'I'll be with you whatever happens' becomes 'I'll be with you unless you start suffering really frequent debilitating mental distress, in which case I'll chuck you out when you're at your lowest point' then well, it's hard not to feel a little abandoned.
I love that guy, but well. Here I am. Alone. It was bonfire night, and I stayed home alone. Halloween, the same. I don't blame him for that. I blame myself, and maybe I need some time alone.
Still.

This hurts. A lot. I don't sleep. I'm still waiting to be able to register with a doctor here. So much for 'go away and get better'. Hopefully on Monday I'll get the paper I need. Then I'll 'be better' and then I'll be able to make my decisions with the impression of a clear mind.

And God help us all.