I really don't know what I feel any more. Its like, I veer from hope to crushing despair every few minutes. It really is tiresome.
HOPE
I got my first tattoo. Star outline behind my right ear.
I'm detoxing. Juice fasting. Or juice and soya milk fasting anyway.
I'm not dead.
DREAD
I couldn't go to school last week through depression and anxiety attacks.
A friend tried to kill themself.
I'm dreading Christmas. At my Grandma's house, at Grandad's nursing home. Being watched. Seeing everyone try to be happy in spite of it all. In spite of the obvious, screaming blackhole horror of the situation.
I'm utterly paranoid that I have no friends and I'm forgotten and rotting here in this hole.
I'm just paranoid really.
Everybody thinks that I'm just too lazy to do anything, to go out, to finish my work. When in my ideal world, I'd be doing everything, efficiently and on time. I'd be the perfect student. But to be honest, it's far too difficult to read even one page.
I'm just thick.
I'm so fucking pessimistic. I whine all the fucking time. The Dread list is about ten times bigger than the hope list. Really, girl, just SHUT UP!
Oh yeah, I forgot to add: I'm really fucking fat.
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