Relapse Ahoy!

I really want to starve myself. I want to feel my skin stretched tight over my hipbones, see my ribs defined. I want my belly to go in instead of out, and I want a gaunt face and dead eyes and not to have to feel this any more.
I feel so sick. I ate so much that my stomach can't hold it. It was only dinner and dessert. I think puking up so much has really screwed up my stomach, I really should give it a rest for a while. I'm going to end up being unable to keep any food down otherwise. Though that could be good... No, that would just be messy. Imagine it, eating dinner, then standing up to leave and just throwing up spontaneously all over the table. I must stop eating, for God's sake. Then I won't puke so much, I'll loose weight, and everything will be just tickety-boo.

I went on the rowing machine for an hour straight. I've never done that before. I rowed 10,000m. I know, it's pathetic really, but now I feel like Superwoman. And I ate some Spiderman pasta. So I AM A SUPERHERO! I'm going camping tomorrow with my brother and a bunch of people. We're going to get wasted in the woods. Fun, yeah? I really want to get completely trashed, because I'm fed up of reality.

My Dad is pissing me off. He's nosy, overbearing, immature and inflexible. We keep arguing, but he's always convinced he's right. I may as well keep screaming at a malevolent brick wall. I guess I just have to be adult and try and sort things out sensibly.

Mental

I’ve been out of control lately. Its getting stupid. I took sleeping pills and a load of Prozac, just to knock myself out and make it go away for a while. I don’t like this whole recovery thing, but I think I will do it. I want to grow. I don’t want to be a cripple by the time I’m thirty, stuck in a girl’s body when I should be an adult. I have to move on. It’s just so fucking hard sometimes.

Secrets

And at last the secret is out. I never realised how much it was eating me up inside. I never believed I would lie so much, for so long, to my best friends in the world. I truly am dishonest. I just hope that they can forgive me

Face

I cut my face. This is a new low/ A new concept. I'm so fucking sad today. I want to die. My head is fucking with me. I haven't eaten. I woke up in the middle of the night in a blind panic. Everything sucks major cock. Aaah, cock. Now theres one thing I'm getting none of.

Potato

I'm going to eat baked potato in five minutes.

My life is... thrilling.

I'm Magic!

Yes... I stopped taking my meds. So I went high for two days. Magic. I know that I have the power to effect change in the world through force of will. But I will end up doing black magic, because I'm an evil person. I wished my own Daddy was dead today because he annoyed me. He was shouting. I tried to give him a heart attack. I wish I was dead. And I think I have something wrong with my heart (I am a bit hypochondriacal). I get pains in my chest now and am tired all the time. Then again, it could just be Clonazepam and exercise aches. I hope it's my heart and I'll have a heart attack and die. That would be only fair. I'm not high anymore. I didn't get dressed today even. I'm TIRED. Does nobody understand that? They all dragged me out of bed, the bastards. Threats, shouting, violence. Like they care whether I'm awake or not. They only want me to get back to normal. They think I'm all OK because I'm not thin any more. They found out I was throwing up again though, so now they stalk me. I leave the table, and they yell after me "Where are you going?" "Don't go to the bathroom!" It really really makes me want to puke my guts up. But I can't because they're spying on me all the time. I want to leave home.