Ramblings

I think I'm breaking. I thought I was free of this, but oh, no. Get back in your bell jar, bitch, its where you belong. Oh yes, a Sylvia Plath reference, aren't we clever.
No, not at all.
I am so stupid, it isn't even funny any more.
Firework night, outside, bangbangbang. Stare at all the lights and feel nothing. You are dead.
Sleep all day to hide from the guilt that you should be doing something, anything, not just staring into space. Get a job. Be a productive member of society. Stop being a drain on resources. Stop taking and taking and taking like a black hole of desperation.
Spin around in a maelstrom of laughing and screaming and faces looming up out of the darkness to take you away.
Waste time.
Now I am nocturnal, life is easier. I work, when I can, which is rarely. It has taken me three nights to write 100 words. Only rambling pathetic self-indulgent words flow freely. Too freely, spewed out like poison, sickening everybody, lingering in the food chain, destroying the environment. Better out than in, they say. Not for you it isn't. I hurt people just by being alive. I cry at night. I never cry. It isn't my thing. I might scream and rage and attack myself, but I don't cry.

I haven't done anything 'stupid'. Not one cut, not one pill. I don't need any more pain. My stomach hurts contantly. My heart beats funny, aches through my chest. Head aches, lumps in my throat to choke me. Salt burns my eyes, my face. I can't breathe right. I'm not right. Why am I like this?
Whywhywhy?
Because you're pathetic. That's why.

pain

this hurts

nearly 4am, thought i was ok

realised i'm worthless

pain tear me down and wash away all that i am

make me better

Well this explains a lot

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||| 38% Schizoid |||||||||||| 46% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62% Narcissistic |||||| 26% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 70% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Stupid Girl (written and performed by Garbage)

You pretend you're high
Pretend you're bored
Pretend you're anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

Don't believe in fear
Don't believe in faith
Don't believe in anything
That you can't break

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

Don't believe in love
Don't believe in hate
Don't belive in anything
That you can't waste

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can't believe you fake it
Can't believe you fake it

Don't believe in fear
Don't believe in pain
Don't believe in anyone
That you can't tame

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can't believe you fake it
Can't believe you fake it

You stupid girl

Jehovah's Witnesses

Just the people I wanted to see right now. What idiots. They gave me magazines. How ironic.

SUCCESS: how to achieve it

Should you fear HELL?

If my mum was here, she would have paid for their stupid papers. And she's an atheist.
Why would anybody consider that it was socially acceptable to knock on random peoples' doors and try and convince them that they are going to hell?

Stupid Girl

#1 Well, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as Hell don't deserve me at my best.
#2 I understand, but it still hurts
#3 I told you so
#4 This is why I don't do love
#5 I'm sorry
#6 I wish I was better
#7 Well fuck you then
#8 I'm going to get my nipple pierced now
#9 You've lost your claim on me
#10 I hope we can stay friends
#11 I mean that
#12 You dumped me by text. Twice.
#13 And I still think you are an amazing person
#14 I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid
#15 You would be better off if you'd never met me
#16 I hope you can be happy now
#17 I love you. I would be so much easier if I didn't

Happy Samhain

"Life is a highway, and I'm gonna ride it, and every day's a winding road. My rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs, as long as it keeps going, its un-be-lieva-ble." Kimya Dawson

Yes I am alive and I am going to stay alive. I don't need to hide, and I don't need to risk my life to run away. I can live through pain and crying and screaming. I can weather all storms and come out with my self intact.
I will not wash away.
Razorblades and pills only mask the pain with more pain. I will tear away the illusions and stare into its eyes. I will take its strength as my strength because each sensation is a part of living. And each voice, each fear, each agony is a part of me. I will stare into its eyes and see my own eyes staring right back.

I am human, woman, alive.
I will burn through life like a shooting star.
Watch me.