I HATE ZOMBIES

NYAAARGH GRAAAARGH AAARNGH GRAAARGH. Look at me I'm mouldy and gross.

Seriously, I hate zombies. Ever since the Zombie Survival Guide, it has, for some unknown reason, been cool to believe in the Zombie Apocalypse. Not like, actually believe, but some kind of ironic postmodern 'belief' which involves wearing stupid t-shirts and reading World War Z.

This rant is all Owner's fault. He is sitting next to me, reading World War Z and telling me about how AWESOME it is, and how ZOMBIES ARE REAL and how Max Brooks actually knows how the Zombie Apocalypse will go down.

Because, of course, there is such a thing as zombies. There is an actual zombie virus. Because if you say it is a virus, then that makes it sound scientifically plausable. No, wait, actually, it doesn't. BECAUSE DEAD PEOPLE ACTUALLY DON'T WALK AROUND EATING PEOPLE. On a wider more general rant, I hate it when people try to create pseudo-scientific explanations for supernatural horror phenomena (phenomenons?/phenomenon?/phenomeni?). It actually makes them seem less believable. Scientific theories have to stand up to rational examination, but if you just chalk it up to 'supernatural forces beyond our understanding' then you have a free ride to defy the laws of physics. This also works if you blame an obscure quantum phenomena, because quantum physics is basically witchcraft.

I also hate the wild conspiracy theories. There are zombies all over the place, but some kind of world wide government conspiracy is covering it up. As if. This scary all-powerful government can't sort out a budget, or give kids a decent education, or stop teenagers stabbing each other, so like Hell are they able to control and cover up a zombie outbreak. I hate conspiracy theorists. I met somebody once who genuinely believed that the Jews paid the Nazis to commit the Holocaust, and at the same time said JewNazis invented aspartame as an agent of mind control to make women more susceptible to subliminal advertising. Of course, in his warped mind, the Jews also commited 9/11. He probably actually believes in zombies too. And aliens.

So, basically, zombies suck, they are not cool. They may reflect our modern anxieties about consumerism and our paranoia about pandemics, but I do not care. HATE.

HATE

HATE