Me Me Me

I am a horrible person. Aside from the fact that I have a blog in which I write exclusively about myself, I am also generally unpleasant to know. I set out to get some insight and self-awareness, to find out who I am, but the answer sucks. I feel like a badly drawn film character, the cliched 'damaged girl'. The easy to fall for, vulnerable, naive, insecure young woman who gradually reveals herself to be more and more damaged, and far less pleasant than she first appeared. I'm not quite up to the boiling bunnies category, but still. I am a health hazard. I should be kept in isolation, and let out only for special occasions.

I am far too demanding. And far too self absorbed. I don't know what I want. I act out, I fuck around, I put on a show. I act dumb but in my head I'm calculating every move. I take too many risks. I want somebody to tell me not to, somebody to hold me away from the edge. But God help the fool that tries. I ignore advice. I am convinced of my own superiority. I bitch and whine about everything. Even things which are 100% my own fault. I deliberately do dumb things, just so I will have something new to cry about. I am terminally bored.

I want attention, validation, adoration. I want to do a porn shoot. I may actually do a porn shoot. And then blog about it in the hope that everyone will be jealous or outraged or something. I like reactions. I already blog obliquely about th stupid things I do, dropping hints and wondering how many people pick up on them. I do not speak plainly or concisely. I use an unecessarily extensive vocabulary. I am a shameless slut. I abuse substances too much to be able to mix in normal society. I have completely given up on mainstream society. I will not do regular mainstream porn. I have screwed up sleep patterns, and spend way too much time asleep. I think I am hardcore but I'm actually a weak little pussy who cries and whines about stupid things and can't even take pain properly.

Why the fuck is this list so long? This was going to be a really short post, but as I wrote each reason, I thought of so many more reasons. I should have made a list, it would be easier to read. If I get even more bored than I already am, then I may repost this as an easy to read, bullet pointed list.

Returning to the reasons why I suck: I think I have several mental illnesses, none of which is backed up by a diagnosis. I am a hypochondriac. I talk to strangers. My mood changes so frequently that it is impossible to know what to do with me. I pay too much attention to my own mood.

I write blog posts about how much I suck as a person, and somehow expect this to help. Actually, I just want everyone to leave me comments saying how awesome I am, and how of course I don't suck. I won't believe them, but hey, you can always try. Feed the ego! Feed it now, before it runs amock and eats the innocent instead...