Paranoia

There is a conspiracy going on. They are trying to steal my sleep. My dad sees that I am still awake at 3am. He then makes a special effort to tell my mother to wake me up as early as possible.

I have had 4 hours sleep. I've not had a proper night of restful sleep for a long time. I'm so tired I want to cry. I would go back to bed, but I can't sleep now. So instead I wander around, cursing humanity and swearing like a navvy. Since when was it acceptable to deny somebody sleep? Don't they use sleep deprivation as a form of endurance torture? Why the fuck is my dad so obsessed with making me wake up in the early morning? Is it intrinsically 'right' to do so? He seems to think that being semi-nocturnal makes me a bad person.

Actually he just straight up thinks I'm a bad person. Fuck it, I am a bad person, but why do people have to go out of their way to piss me off? Do they think it's funny? Do they think it makes them better people through some extensive and flawed chain of logic?

My head fucking hurts. I want some more vodka. Way to become an alcoholic, daft bitch. And my skin is black and falling off a 2 inch scald mark on my hip. I try and ask anyone who I can find at 3am how to fix this, but all I get is bollocks from random people who don't even know me, have never even met me, but still think they can judge me. I didn't even do this to myself.

And what kind of fucking selfish cunt am I anyway? I got told. 'My friend who died of cancer aged 18 would have given anything for the chances you have.' Ergo I must not harm myself in any way. Strangely, this did not have the motivating effect desired. Though luckily I think I've finally got bored of actual self harm. Not that I'm living a pure and healthful life, but I'm not actually attacking myself with knives, which I guess is progress.

I don't regret anything much. But sometimes peoples' reactions make me regret meeting them. People who say, in a portentious voice, 'You're going to have those scars forever.' You think I don't fucking know that? Do you think I'm so fucking stupid that I slashed myself up and expected it not to scar like a bitch?
See, normally I can put up with all this stuff. But right now I'm in a grouchy and just straight-up vindictive mood.
The basic point of this post is that humanity are fucking twats who should all go jump off a freaking cliff and straight into Hell where they belong.

I don't even believe in Hell. Fucktard. Just shut up now.