Warning: Incredibly fucked up revelations.

I live in a state of constant amazed amusement, gazing wide-eyed at the world, and what I do in it.

Somewhere in my head I am still that good little girl. Perfect Pip, who got really good marks but would scarcely dare to speak. The one who had never had a boyfriend, the one they pitied, the girl with the glasses who read too many books and always did as she was told.

Then that girl gradually stopped being scared of everybody. She dared to speak. She dared to scream and drink and fuck. She was still scared, but that heart-pounding adrenalin became her favourite drug. That girl went a little crazy and lived a lot.
All the while, the good girl was sitting with her notebook, watching the all-night parties and casts of strange characters, writing and wondering and being thoroughly entertained. Once upon a time she dreamed that she would live like this. Yes, she may have been a good girl, but there was always a fascination with the seedy and debauched side of life. Nobody knew this. She hardly knew this. But it was there, and now it could be indulged.

All this indulgence is not good for little girls. Quiet girls are not wanted at parties, they get pushed to the side while the real women drink and flirt and worse. I let her watch. She gets no love, this lovely character. She's the one with the empathy, the will to please, the kindess and the big eyes that gaze up at you wanting a hug.

I just kept kicking her. She's the part of me that gets hurt, the part that gives and trusts without suspicion or subtlety. She's the one who gets ripped off and left broken hearted. I thought she was a liability. So no more empathy and giving and submission. Excise it. Cut it out and burn it up.

Couldn't do it. I still keep my mixture of empathy, caring, and utter, fucked-up, going-too-far, pursuit of pleasure and experience.

And so, I have found somebody who will help. Fucked-up extremes, somebody for the good girl to please, to take me back to who I really am. A master.

Told you it was a little fucked up.