What have I become

/my sweetest friend/everyone I know/goes away/ in the end/ and you can have it all/ my empire of dirt/ I will let you down/ I will make you hurt...

What have I become?

I'm trying to break me. It's 4pm. I haven't slept in 24 hours. I'm drinking beer like water, smoking cigarettes.
I washed my hair for the first time in 4 days today. They phone me to make sure I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm wearing my hat. Ugly. Ugly is safe. It means nobody will want to be near me.

I'm not going to sleep. I can't sleep. I wish I could. But when I try, I end up crying. And that is not acceptable, so I will not sleep. I will drink diet Kick and swallow Pro-Plus until I get heart palpitations. I like to feel my heart jump. Proves it's still there, still beating somewhere inside. I will get piercings. Needles through flesh. I will trip out and drink and drink and smoke and swallow DXM until I can't feel anymore.
Party on Saturday. Maybe if I drink enough I can sleep/pass out without crying. Maybe if I drink enough I'll never wake up again. £100 to spend on alcohol. Beer and vodka and WKD and rum and sweet and sour and burning shots to make everything stop.

They are going to phone me tomorrow morning. And I will say "I'm fine" because I don't know what else to say. And I will sing and dance and laugh, feeling the energy fizz like lightning through me. And then I will fall apart, shatter into jagged shards, and then I will piece myself back together, I will get up, and dance again.

Somebody please give me an answer. Give me a reason. Something. Anything.